How do you chase your dreams on $9 /h Canadian?

Can someone tell me that? I have a hard time making ends meet and having $20 in my pocket at the end of the month, much less saving up for my classes I want to take, and the trips I want to go on, and do the things I want to do. How can I possible move forward when I'm struggling to live?

This is a very VERY deflating thought.

Not to mention the thoughts that go through my head on a regular basis that deal with the whole break up.

I just don't know what to do.

I talked with the X's X today... One of those polite ok, why are we talking right now conversations. And I have to tell you, it made me feel awful. There is just nothing good that can come from even pretending for work that we can tolerate each other... Not to mention her subtle statements used to make me crazy and jealous, and make me realize how much I still love that guy. Damnit I do still love him. It's slowing down to a dull roar, but it's still there. And it hurts. So I spent the whole day at work in physical pain (my back) emotional pain (the X) and psychological pain (the X's X mind games).

I thought maybe if I think of my goals again, look at my list of what I want from life again, I can cheer up and think of what's coming....

Then I did the math.

How in gods name can I do and get and be all these things, when I can't even afford the gas to go downtown? Or to go out to McDonalds? Or have a beer with friends?

HOW!?!

I can't even see how I can dig my self out of my current debt much less take a trip.

I'm so fed up with not having money.

It takes money to better ones self...

I can say it does not, but it does.

I cant even join a simple club because I cant afford the gas to go to this club.

And if I could, what would I do, join the photography club? Great with what camera?

Ok, well go to Disneyland and enjoy?

What cash? Even on the bus and hostels its about $250 BEFORE food and admission.

Education, I can't afford that now.

Heck I can't even afford the call display phone I need.

I cant get a better job because there are none here!

I cant go to the cryopractor because it cost money and my benefits haven't kicked in yet.

I cant just take off and figure stuff out because I cant afford to walk across the street and buy a damn happy meal.

How can I make this happen? How can I avoid the pain in my heart and move upwards to the better things I want and can see.

How?

I can't see it. And within all this emotional turmoil, there is the loss of the man I love. And all the thoughts that go with that.

Maybe its just my pain killers turning off my brain... The brain that has been leading me though the fray to get to the other side without falling down. Maybe the fog as lifted and things really are this bleak. Who will ever love a fuckup like me? Every choice I have made in my life has been the wrong one. Is it to late now to fix it? Maybe. And if I cant keep the one person who loved me in love with me, and with me... Why or how could I keep anyone else. How can I trust again. It just wont happen. I will die alone, in debt, forgotten.

And yet...

I know there must be more than this. There has to be. Life is a gift. And I must embrace it, but how. How can I be and do what is right for me without the cash to support it? And how can I get the cash without being and doing what is right for me. It's an endless cycle.

I'm so very afraid.

And then there is the X... How the hell can I be friends with him. I'm so hurt by him... I mean how can I not be, this could have been the perfect breakup in the world and I still would be... Why? Because I love him. And I get so freaking jealous over things, and I have no right, and that makes it hurt all the more. Who will love me? Who will ever love me? I have made a mess out of everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. I have blown all my goals, and aspirations. Now what.

Do I just wait to die?

Where do I go from here?

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Cast - Where Do We Go From Here

From the album "Buffy Musical"

DAWN
Where do we go from here?

BUFFY AND SPIKE
Where do we go from here?

GILES
The battle's done and we kind of won

GILES AND TARA
So we sound our victory cheer
Where do we go from here?

ANYA AND XANDER
Why is the path unclear
When we know hope is near?

ANYA, BUFFY, DAWN, GILES, SPIKE, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear

GILES
Tell me!

ANYA, BUFFY, DAWN, GILES, SPIKE, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
Where do we go from here?

When does the end appear?

SPIKE (spoken)
Bugger this.

ANYA, BUFFY, DAWN, GILES, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
When do the trumpets cheer?

(Not on song file, but it's in the background in the episode:)
ANYA, DAWN, GILES, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
The curtain's closed on a kiss
God knows, you can tell the end is near
Where do we go from here?

(Buffy's and Spike's following verses overlap.)
BUFFY
I touch the fire and it freezes me
I look into it and it's black
The isn't real
But I just want to feel

SPIKE
I died too many years ago
You can make me feel


ANYA, DAWN, GILES, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
Where do we go from here?

---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest."
-Henry Miller, The Books in My Life