Melancholy tears...

Well I got internet back today, but it almost feels more like a burden then a blessing. I'm sitting here alone (cause that's what you do when you live alone) and in tears because of what has happened in my life, and what I have become.

How could I not know that the man I was in love with, the man I lived with did not love me? How could I not see that he was lying to my face everyday.

Why did I put up with the shit?

Was I stupid?

Blind?

Ignorant?

I don't know.

Over the last few months all I have learned is that no matter what, it hurts. and that the end of the day, in the silence of my apartment, I will only remember the good times, and I will cry.

I miss him... Allot.

I spend hours crying of the loss of the love of my life. Days are spent lost in the thought of how can I move on. But here I sit, still going forwards trying to become who ever it is I need to become.

My life, for the first time in 6 years is back in my control. If I need something, I get it. If I want to read I do it. If I want to go out, I do. There is no one there calling 80+ times because I'm not home. I can go where I want, when I want, and I can do whatever it is I want. And yet still my heart wants to go back. Back under his control. Where I cant go diving because there is no money. Where I cant have a bus pass to get work. Where there was only one way love. It's insane.

Yet I was there by my own choice. Although I did not know it was a one sided love for four years, I did know the rest. And I chose to stay anyway.

Because I loved him.

Still do.

But he is becoming someone else. Quickly. Probably as quickly as I am. The difference is, I don't know if I can respect who he is becoming. Maybe, but not right now. And I certainly cant watch it.

That makes me sad.

If it was anyone else, it would be different. But here I am watching the man I love fade away, drop into shadow, while someone new, different takes his place. And I would rather remember then, as opposed to now.

Maybe in time...

So for now I spend my time working on me. I'm writing allot. Working out allot (my month old jeans will not stay up anymore), and just reflecting on my life. I'm very empty inside. And physically alone... but that's my fault to. Allot of my friends are lost, of course, to the breakup... And the others I ether pushed away because I was spending all my effort on my relationship, or they live out of town, or are in a relationship themselves. There are a couple rare exceptions (/wave) but that's ok. I have allot of support from my friends... those who have stuck with me, ether here of out of town (/wave).

So I will take the time I need to be alone with myself, and figure out who I am now. Who I am without a we.

To think, if everything went as planned, I should have been married this time next year.

Life is funny.

But I'm good.

What can I enjoy right now?

I will enjoy this rediscovery.

I will enjoy watching Buffy on TV (DVD).

I will enjoy watching movies.

I will enjoy writing.

I will enjoy taking pictures.

I will enjoy reading.

I will enjoy my friends and family.

I will enjoy Monopoly.

I will enjoy the ocean.

I will enjoy being me.

I have a good job. Not great, but good. I have a place, and support, and really what more can a woman ask for? My heart will heal in time. Yes, I have lost my best friend, and the love of my life, but love will fade. And I will be better off for it.

I'm going to save up to go on a shark diving excursion. And I will go to Vancouver and visit all my friends who I promised I would for 6 years but never could go. I will do all the things I have wanted to do for years, and I will be happy.

I am a wonderful person. I can see it inside of me. I may have been buried for a while... 10 years I think.... But I'm here. And I will do and be the person I always knew I could be.

I will reconnect with those people I lost... And those willing to take me back, I will embrace. And I hope they can understand that there are days/nights when I will need to hide (like today), and that there will be days when I need them more than ever. Those not willing to take me back... Just know, I'm sorry.

I will save up and get a nice little acreage, and some dogs.

Most of all, I will be happy.

My spirit is healing.

In time, I will look back at all this and laugh, but for now, I will let my mind be in charge while the heart heals.

I will take the time I need.

I will be me.

In the end, all that matters is me. Life is to short otherwise.

I just keep these thoughts in mind:

"Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times."

"Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead."

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

"Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life."

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

"This above all; to thine own self be true."

...I will... For the first time in a long time, I will.