Fear... It can sneak up on you.

What a day! It almost doesn't get any harder.

I went to work today, had a pretty good day, I did get to double jack which is always a plus. But I have been getting more and more frustrated at work. See, there is a clique at work which always talks and chats, and acts like it's high school... Hard to explain, but if you saw it, you would know exactly what I mean. Anyways, every week we switch around seating so we can get to know new people, work in different teams and so on. This week, I'm surrounded by the clique. They wont shut up. They sit and do notes, and doodle, and pass notes, and disrupt the class. James (our trainer) doesn't have to much control of them (but to his credit he cant see it all), any ways today was the last draw.

I'm working hard to try and learn everything I can, because I need this job... But more than that, I'm starting to enjoy this job, so I want to be good at it. For the first time in my life, I'm taking the hard road and it feels good. Anyway, this clique was all around me doing their thing, so I could barely concentrate. When it came time to double jack they decided to stay because (and I quote) "we haven't listened to a word all week and with an assessment tomorrow, we better try and figure this out.

Now I'm sorry, but HELLO!

I had been forced all week to listen to (and answer) "how do we do this?" "what's the answer to that?" after James just (and I mean JUST) explained it. I was so fed up! BUT, I want to help my team and I want everyone to do well, but after hearing how they KNOW they are messing around. That was it.

I talked to James about it.

He said he would talk to them, and if it came down to it, I should just not tell them, because I'm working hard, and it IS work, they should to.

I felt HORRIBLE.

But what choice did I have. I could barely do my own work because they were always talking, and then having to repeat everything the trainer had just said, and they to hear they KNOW they are doing it... No.

I think I surprised a few people in the class (I said this privately but there were a couple people who were still there). But I had to do it. I NEED to know this stuff. I NEED to do well. I cant like that.

I'm not their damn mother.

So that was that.

Then I came home and kind of was weird to the X.

I didn't mean to.. I was trying to get everything sorted out before the weekend move, and he was kind of in a bad mood and I fed on it. I said some things I shouldn't have, nothing to bad I don't think. But this was really the last night I could talk to him before "I hermit". I needed to talk to him. But I certainly didn't want it to go like that.

I feel terrible.

I just needed to talk.

I needed to make sure I would have everything I need to get by the weekend so that I could hermit. But he didn't see it that way.

Ether way, I feel bad. I just hope he can forgive me as I have forgiven him. And I hope that he will still be there as a friend when I'm ready.

I need to fall out of love with him.

I cant do that with out at least some time for me.

Some separation.

I finally managed to get DSL hooked up (and phone of course) for the "1st" (the DSL modem probably wont arrive until the 10th...

SO NO BLOG UPDATES WILL BE HAPPENING UNTIL DSL IS HOOKED UP!

I will probably keep bloging in word, but that will just be one DAMN long post on that day. You have been warned.

Then I went to the apartment to get my keys, parking space, and walk through the place.

I think I shit my pants.

I was terrified.

Seeing this empty apartment, meant for me, alone. A final nail in my emotional coffin. I mean this is it. This is really it! This is the beginning, of an unknown journey. I'm certainly not ready for this... as my sudden internal terror pointed out, but I don't have a choice, so I do what I must.

I don't want to do this.

I guess I just have to soldier on, and not look back.

So tonight, I'm going to turn in early, because I have an assessment tomorrow. And hopefully tomorrow I can hit the beach again (now that I have everything all figured out for he apartment).

God give me the strength to overcome my fear, and perceiver over this seemingly insurmountable mountain.


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed."
-Michael Pritchard