So its been 40 days since my X asked me to leave, and I feel worse than ever.

I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds. Not so in all cases, and certainly not quickly. Its been 40 days, and the only thing I'm sure of is that he doesn't love me, and he has moved on. I have made motions to move on, but I'm no where near that point yet. My heart aches, my mind reels, and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I managed to get a job (which I was really lucky to find, and after talking to the people working with me, seems I wasn't the only one having problems... There are people there who are so desperate for work and money, they are living out of cars and have no lunches, because they haven't been able to find work before now), I've gone into so much debt its sick, I got a place to move into in 10 days, and I'm trying to rediscover myself... But its all so much, so sudden.

I haven't had time to grieve, or to accept my state, I've just been doing what I have to. It will be better when I get my own place. There is nothing I covet more than my own space. I may have chosen to share that (happily to) over the last 6 years with my X, but he understood my need for solitude.

Everything seems to make me cry, talking to my X, and hearing him do all the great things he's doing, feels so painful, and I feel like he's telling me out of spite. He isn't. He is sharing with his friend. But it still hurts like hell!

We are both fighting so hard to stay friends, and eventually we will get over this hump (or I will), and the friend thing will be easy again. But if we don't do it now, it will fade. I cant have that. Hearing about the new girlfriend, the going dancing, and camping, and all the things I wanted to do with him hurts, but I am happy for him. I only want the best and happiest for him. So I listen and cry inside.

Money is going to be really tight for a long time. New job, new place, everything costs money, and its not like I'm making good money to start with... Its not the worst it could be, but its not the best ether. I can live.

I have very supportive friends in all this, although I wish The X would be there for me the way I need him (AS A FRIEND), cause I do need his friendship... And to talk to him. He's been my best friend forever, its weird having to re define that.

All I have managed to figure out is somehow I messed up. I lost the man I love. And I must have somehow been holding him back from all the things he wanted, he needed in life, for himself. But he will be ok now, I'm sure of it. He will be happy, and that's all that matters to me.

I think once I get moved into my new place things will come together for me.

I will be able to really start moving on with my life.

Until then, I will keep pushing, because I must.

One day, Ill be ok.

Until then, Ill Cry.

---Right about now... I envision The X and his new girl are enjoying each others company... Knowing him, its about right... Confimations she's staying, and he's feeling good... yeah.. right about now... God, it's not fair!---