Two hour salon trip and strange epiphany's

Had another long day at work. We did end the day though by listening to some calls. That was really neat. I hope I can do well in this job, I really like it. It's a far cry from what I want, but unfortunately nothing I want I can have, so its ether move on and do what I got to do, or wither and die. I'm not ready for option 2. My insides feel like they are withering and dieing, but that should fade with time... I hope.

I realized some things today:

I'm grieving. Allot. It's quite painful. Everything seems to break me down to the point of tears. My inner strength is fading, slowly, but its fading. I'm devouring myself. I'm not sure what this means though. Is the "Old Me" Killing off this version of me that is part of an us? Or is the us part of me unwilling to let go, and will forever consume my sprit? Maybe there is some new, different, me, struggling to get out, to be free. Ether way, it hurts like hell. I cant take it. Hopefully once I get my new place, and get settled, I cant start to work on me, as opposed to the separation of an us. Until then, and probably after as well, I just have to hold on. I have to keep my spirit alive. It was a tiny flame inside me... almost out, but it survived, I cant extinguish it now. Not now.

Music is bad, and good, all at the same time. I have laughed myself silly today while listening to music, and I found myself crying all at the same time. Apparently, when I was younger (like 18), I "knew" I was going to be here, at this point in my life. I wrote a song about it, and recorded it, and stuck it in the middle of a mix tape so that I would stumble upon it today while I was rummaging though tapes grabbing the first random mix take I could find. I damn near pissed myself. The words... The words I wrote... they were talking to me, about me.... I was tripped OUT! I mean, here I am listening to words I wrote so long ago, that fit me to a tee, not me then, me now. The song is called "Is it me" and with a few changes (editing for a couple better words... not for content... just my expanded vocabulary), it would really be something. I need to find the lyrics. I know Diane has a hard copy, but I'm trying to find a soft copy somewhere, because I would love a stab at a rewrite.

I never got Alanis Morrisette before... Apparently. Although now I do. Again, this song came on the radio, and wow, I just couldn't believe it! The song I heard was... you oughta know. I mean wow!! If it was a little less bitter... It woulda been written for me. It's a little more jaded than me, because I'm going to stay friends with my X... But its EXACTLY how I feel! EXACTLY... Sometimes even with the jadedness... What can I say, I'm only human, I have my moments.

Well here.. Take a look:

You Oughta Know
Alanis Morisette

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on your in a theater
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive

CHORUS:
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to but you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're sill alive

REPEAT CHORUS

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it... well can you feel it

REPEAT CHORUS



Anyways, enough of that. I will get the lyrics of my song as soon as I can find them. And I will take a stab at a re-write, but Ill post the original first for comparison.

So..

Today was hair day.

And the new me is complete.

Here is a picture of me just back from the salon. Keep in mind, my curly hair will be back the second my hair gets even slightly wet (like a trickle of rain), but this is the straightening I talked about a few days ago, and the new color from today (color and straightening time 2.5 hours WHEW).

The new me:



I'm off to bed to try and get some sleep... its hard as hell getting up at 6am. So I'm trying to get to bed so I get at least 7 hours (doesn't always work). TGIF THOUGH!!

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Life is wasted on the living."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy