Panic atack... For no good reason. Why?!?

Well, my gut is trying to tell me something. I wish I knew what the heck it was.

But let me start at the beginning of the day. I got up, and was getting ready to go furniture shopping. Big day of buying a new couch and maybe bedroom suite. While waiting to go (for the store to open), but I felt off, I'm not quite sure why. While listening to some internet radio I heard "Nobody Knows" (which I immediately posted the lyrics to) the song kind of touched me a bit. But anyway... So off I went, to buy my new furniture (gosh, I cant believe I'm parting with the couch), of course I got there and spent 3 times what I was planning. Of course, it looks AWESOME, but by the end of tomorrow I'll hit 10,000 in the hole .

So I got a new Bedroom suite;
Damn them, the removed remote linking... I swear it's pretty

A new couch and chair set (the couch I got in the red, the chair in the blue, no love seat yet);
Damn them, the removed remote linking... I swear it's pretty

And a dinette set (the chairs are a matching set to the living room set, same fabric, and they are in the blue of the living room chair);
Damn them, the removed remote linking... I swear it's pretty

So needless to say, that's allot more than I had originally planned. I planed a cheap couch set (cheap cheap) which I didn't get, I got a nice one, a cheap bedroom set (which I got), and no dining room set, much less a nice one. So yikes. It's all going to be delivered on the 7th... So a week without any main furniture... but I guess that's ok. Nothing I can do about it.

When I got home, I chatted with The X a bit. He's spending the evening hanging with his new girl. Good for him I guess... Still makes me feel horrible. I can't believe this is all happening. This wasn't supposed to be the way it goes. It just hurts so much.

I wish I knew why god was making me feel like this. I know there must be a reason... I just don't know what it is...

Anyways, I digress.

I wanted to do something nice for my mom for helping me out. So I cooked dinner tonight, and I'm cooking tomorrow. A couple nice Mexican dishes... Nothing fancy, just giving her a break. Tonight I made bean and beef burritos, tomorrow chicken fajitas.

After dinner, I had the worst panic attack. My stomach is in knots. I went upstairs and watched Futurama. But the felling didn't go away. I'm terribly anxious about something... I feel like I'm falling. I haven't had anxiety like this for a few weeks... It feels like my insides are being torn away. Maybe its because the X is having a nice night with his girl... Maybe its the work coming tomorrow.... Scared about the NEED of the job. I've never NEEDED a job like I need this one. It's always been something fun, something to do. This is need. So maybe its that. Maybe its the move next weekend, or the money. Maybe starting life again, having to give up the love in my heart, or learning, at some point, to love again. Maybe its the new apartment, or the absolute lack of control I have over my life right now. I don't know... I'm just a wreck right now. And there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe I'll try to write some music, or something, I just need... I don't know what I need. I'm just sitting here listening Colorful by the verve pipe, over and over again, and realizing I lost the best thing in my life. I lost my true north, and now I'm spinning, and I don't know which way to go. He was always my guide, my way home. I wish I meant the same to him as he does to me. Its so damn hard letting go. But to quote Colorful:

"The show is over close the story book,There will be no encore"

I'm starting to wonder if he was ever really there the way I needed. Don't get me wrong, he was there for me in more ways than I can count... he helped me stop my out of control drinking, and he helped me through so much, but that was so long ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe I was just his rebound girl... A convenience till he met his miss right. There was a time when he used to look after me first. He would surprise me with breakfast in bed with a fresh rose from the garden;

The love in his eyes...

But that was so long ago... The days when a stuffed dog would come home with him just so he could see my smile. Those were the days we would just sit in each others arms on the couch (this is why I had to leave it behind) and hold each other, comfortable in silence or speech. It didn't matter, we just wanted to be together. He would awake me with a hug and make the day perfect. There was nothing I couldn't do because I had him.

And now I sit, alone, in tears... Dieing inside, because that will never be for me again. Never. God I love him. It not fucking fair, What went wrong. Where did it all go astray. All I wanted was to make him happy... I guess I failed, because here I sit, afraid and alone. How can I ever love again... How can I? I sat there crying for years with happy tears over my love for him. Things weren't perfect, but who cares. Love can do anything right.

I guess sometimes love just aint enough.

I will never NEVER forget the good times, the smiles, the bliss, being lost in love.

I just need to get rid of these feelings... These feelings of being used... There just so he could have someone at his side. I feel so stupid. How could I not have known... for 4 years he never loved me... How could I not have seen it... How!!! How could he do that to me.

GOD HELP ME!!!

I cant stand this pain.

I lost my love.

I guess we at least had one good year...

I will never forget our first date... Ever.

If your reading this...

I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted... And couldn't be what you needed. Just know, you were for me. I love you. I always will. I will always remember our first kiss, our first night. You were my first TRUE love. You are my heart, and I will never ever forget the good times. I just wish we had a chance to try and get that back. We could have you know... If you had talked to me years ago... When you started falling out of love.. or whatever... We could a fixed it. We had a good thing. It is killing me watching it go away. I will miss you forever.

I love you.

Fuck, I cant stop crying... I cant stop this panic... I got to go for a walk...

Verve Pipe Colorful
The show is over close the story book
There will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well they're reaching for the door
I watch their backs as they leave single file
But you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn't pantomime
You are more beautiful when you awake
Than most are in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory well
You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Look ahead as far as you can see
We'll live in drama but we'll die in a comedy
I know I can be colorful...