Rainy days in my heart

Well, I got back from the X's an hour ago. What an overwhelming feeling... Feelings really. I went over kind of in a bad mood, we chatted a bit on ICQ before I went over and well I got the impression that something was really wrong... I was really worried about him, so off I went, but not before I got the feeling he was pushing me off, away, and trying to prevent me from coming over. So I got angry. I was so worried about him, but he didn't want, or need my help. Fair enough, but I still wanted to see the cats, and I didn't like being shoved aside from that.

That was the wrong attitude I guess.

I frantically packed one of the closets, while he sat there, messed up, and not talking, all but falling asleep. I was angry at that. I shouldn't have been I guess. I should have been understanding, but all I could see was that he was centered on himself, and that I was keeping him up (that's how I perceived it), and forgetting how much it hurt for me to be there, how much effort it took to even go. I got so angry, because I thought he thought he had the market contoured on being fucked up.

But he doesn't.

One or two of the things I'm going though, might not be so bad, but all, and at once. It's so much. New job, new clothes, new hair, new car, new debt, new apartment, new furniture, new life, and no love. All with out the love of my life... With out my soul mate. It's just so much. So very much. I have to grieve and get on with life and put on a fake brave front all at the same time. I hurt seeing him. Hearing him. Talking to him. Knowing that he is not mine. And as much as I try to be there for him, and I am there for him not matter what, that he cant be there the same for me. He just isn't there. Nothing intentional. It's just the flow of his life, his new direction. And it hurts.

His life seems to be good, and a train wreck all at the same time. And I'm worried about him. I'm happy for him that he found what sounds like a great girl... Even though that's the most painful thing for me. And all I want for him is to be happy... Even if it hurts me. And when I see him struggling with his emotions, his mind, his heart, it hurts me to, because he's supposed to be happy. I think in time, he will be great, until then, hurt or not, I will be there for him if he needs me.

I would give anything to be with him again...

But Ill take his friendship...

Even if it hurts right now...

I value it more than anything.

We talked allot. I told him how I was feeling... a bit... I cant dump everything on him, that's not fair... not with all he is going thought. But we talked, and then watched a movie (MIB II), but then I needed to go cause he had to call his lady and sort things out with her.

And of course, besides being still in love with him, I'm horribly attracted to him to. I mean, he's Hot... And he's GREAT... That makes it tough to. He's not mine anymore.

I just have so many emotions right now.

Love, hate, sorrow, anger, friendship, bitterness, regret, fear, terror, jealousy... You name it, I'm feeling it. And all these emotions are jockeying for #1 position, and I have to bottle them all up. Put them away. Until I can face them. The only emotion that isn't there is happiness. I cant seem to get that one yet.

It's raining in my heart, and I cant stop crying.

There is just so much...

Just to much...

But I will persevere, because I must.

The alternative is unacceptable.

So I go on. Wondering where I will be a month from now, or year. My life plans lay shattered at my feet, and loneliness swells in my heart. I had everything figured out just a month ago... My whole life's plan... Now I must start again. But this time for me.

I'm glad my X has moved on, and gotten a new life, and new friends, and new girl... Even if it hurts me, it makes me happy to see him doing well.

But I will go on. I will fight my soul, my heart, to remain his friend.

I will cry.

I will grieve.

But I will go on.

All and all, back to the point, tonight was weird... We both kept bouncing emotions around like they were rubber balls. Nether of us completely open, nether completely closed. I'm debating not going back there for a while... Maybe just hook up for movies or such (like were going to see Finding Nemo on Wednesday).. But then again, I want to see the cats, and his place is safe. And seeing all the pets is hard. My fish, my cats, all of em. I miss them so. I love them. And I want to be able to go over and hang out, to be the great friends we once were, and are fighting to be again. I'm so conflicted. So confused. So alone. So many emotions, all at the surface... And when I see him... Everything comes rushing to the surface of the surface... raw, and full. Not to mention that there is just so much going on for us.. both of us, that it makes it hard. I feel very weird there, and it hurts. I come back crying every time. Seeing him does me such good, and such bad right now...

I just wish, I wasn't still in love with him.