What am I doing?

So here I sit after wasting a day playing video games. Crazy? No, I actually find it refreshing. It is a way to really get my mind of the rollercoaster my life has become. I'm overwhelmed at my life. I spent the last six years with what I thought was the love of my life. Was it? Apparently not. Apparently I was used for 4 years. How can someone do something like that to someone else? How can you say you love someone in one instant, but keep them captive the next? How, when one side was fighting, can you not care? How can you lead them on?

I feel so used.

I read his blog, and he talks about this new girl, like he used to talk about me... But, I think maybe he never really cared for me. I never really mattered. I was just a way for him to escape the life he was in. He talks like he was worthless for the last 4 years. How insulting is that? How can he say things like that?

And yet still he keeps me around.

And yet still I let him.

He has me around to "entertain him" when he's bored. Whether that's email, or ICQ, or whatever. I'm there just as a last ditch option, when everyone else has something better to do.

I really wonder if I ever meant anything to him.

The answer is probably no.

I was convenient, I was there, and I let it happen.

The worst part for me is the loss of Pets, and Extended family.

Loosing his family hurts like hell. Loosing all my pets hurts like hell.

Knowing I was used for 4 - 6 fucking years, kills me.

EDITED BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE WHEN THINGS ARE NOT ABOUT THEM.

But ultimatly, what makes me madest, what is the hardest to take, and the most painful to wake up to:

It was my choice.

I chose to be there.

I chose to stay.

I brought him in.

I stuck around.

It was not his fault I did not see the signs.

I chose to do nothing.

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision."
-Gary Collins