No good can come from this day

First, apologies for not posting all week. My back has been "in bed all day" sore this week, so I have not had any PC time besides work all week. Today of course, is no different, but I have a lot to say, and I want to say it.

It is amazing how demotivation a single word, or seeing a single face can be.

I am rebuilding my reality, my future, myself... And any reminder of my old life, dreams, and self, and it does not take to much to crack my exterior and break me in to tears.

A simple letter can rush back feelings.... A face can fill me with anger, and hate. A simple word, bring me to tears.

And today I got the pleasure of all three.

It started simply enough with a letter... From the X, expressing concern for me, having not hear from me in a while. I guess I responded with some curtness and he wondered why.... So I explained.... And it brought me to tears. Right before work, I was crying so hard that I could barely stand.

Then I walk through the door to see the X's X, and I was filled with rage, anger and pain. Why do I have to work with this woman! It is not fair.... Not even close. I think sometimes that god's sense of humor is a little to painful.

Then a friend of the X's, whom I suggested get a job where I work decided to come say hi. And tell me about the last could days with the X.... That, was not what I needed to hear... Not now, not ever. I know he means well, I think, he means well, but I cant take hearing all that.

So all night my bran is reeling... Thinking about what was, what is, what could have been, and what will come to pass. So here I sit, in tears trying to figure out how I let myself get to this point.

I was a strong woman once.

Maybe not the most confidant, maybe not the most beautiful, but I was happy, and strong, and I knew what I want, and what I needed to do to get there. Now, I am an emotional wreck. Saddened by the thought of seeing the next Lord of the Rings movie without the X, or feeling smothered in the weight of the world.

So I sit here, heavy of heart, not knowing where my life is to go, or how I am to get there. Or how I can get over losing the loss of my love. The man, who I was going to spend the rest of my life with, who I and spent 6 years of my life with, who I and built a life with. But how can I not.

I must go on.

So I look to the future. Perhaps I will apply to a tech position at work. But that to brings troubles, for it as been a long LONG time since I have done computers professionally... Do I still have what it takes? Can I do it?

What is to become of me?

Where lies my destiny?

Who am I?

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
-Chinese Proverb