So much to say, no heart to say it.

I have not had the words to say what has been in my mind as of late.... Not to mention the pain I get from sitting at my computer... I haven't had the heart to post... So much to say... No time to say it.

For some reason, Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 keeps going though my mind... And I don't know why:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

That and Rainer Maria Rilke's Love Song:

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn't touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws *one* voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.

I don't know why I keep thinking of these poems... I haven't really thought about them in years... But this last week, they keep coming though to the forefront of my brain, and I just don't know why.

Maybe it is the lost love, or the longing of a better love, a new love, or the morning of my past and what I thought was my future. All I know is that I'm lost... Why can't I have my star for my wandering bark?

What I think I need, is a club, or group or something I can do, that I enjoy, or can learn from, where I can meet people and continue my rediscovery.

Actually, I don't know what I need....

This week I have had dreams so bad I haven't been sleeping to avoid them... Dreams of regrets, taunts of a future that wont be, torment and insults, berating, and belittling, vivid dreams preying on my worries, fears, and regrets. So I avoid sleep. I cant dream, I wont dream, it hurts to much.

My dreams betray me.

I am so lost.

I need my Star.

Can someone show the me way?

Can I find my way?

The good news is, I'm still not drinking, or smoking. I have stayed away from that. I am proud of that. I know drinking right now would be devastating for me. Maybe soon I can have a few again, but right now... No way.

I spend a lot of time thinking "if I could go back in time, 10, 20 years... What would I do differently?" Why do I do that? What good is dwelling on things I cant change? How can I turn this into something positive? Can I make those changes now? What can I do today to become the better person I know I can be (I really need to stop quoting Matthew Kelly, but dang, they are so good).

I need to find my wandering barks star! My ship needs guidance!

Who can help me find my star.

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Every man has his follies -- and often they are the most interesting thing he has got."
-Josh Billings