Where have I been?

I have been buried in work...

Not that my job swallows me, not that I take it home with me... But I had a goal.

I wanted a promotion.

I wanted Rez Desk.

Since the X kicked me out, its been an uphill battle for me, and although I have come along in my recovery faster than I expected (there is still a long way to the summit yet), I have struggled with so much inside. I have tried to find out who I am, and don't get me wrong, I'm still looking, I have tried to rebuild my confidence, to start believing in myself again, to love my self. I have spent countless hours along, thinking, and dreaming about what I want to be, about who I need to be...

Then I would goto work and my life would begin.

I could come out of my shell, and loose my pain in friendship and camaraderie at work.

And I am good at my job...

Maybe it's my gift of gab, or my ability to shovel it, or take no BS... Whatever it is, I am good at my job.

But a promotion was not something I really thought about. True I applied, but I had 6 years of self doubt that kept it out of my minds grasp of possibilities. Add to that I had never had a promotion before. True, I have had great jobs, but I was never promoted to them. But every posting I was qualified for I applied for, even if I didn't hold hope. Then a posting for Rez Desk happened.... And I thought, you know, that is a job I would be good at... That is a job I deserve.

But then my car accident happened, and that was the end of applying.

I got back to work though, and there was another posting up for Rez, but it was to soon. I had doubts.

So I didn't apply.

I got back into the saddle, got back into the job... Then I applied again.

But it took a lot of convincing.

I couldn't take the disappointment. What if I didn't get it? This is what I thought. What if?? What if the one thing I am feeling that I'm good at, for the first time in 6 years, was not something I was go at? What if I got rejected. I don't think I could handle it.

But my friends at work convinced me. They believed in me, and believed I needed to apply

So I did.

And then I got the interview.

And the panic started.

What if?

And then I got the second interview.

What if?

And through all that time I had to think about myself, and remind myself that I deserved it.

What if?

I spent every spare moment preparing. Double jacking with Rez, asking my friends and co-workers fore help, input, advice. And reflecting, reflecting, reflecting.

But what if?

Then....

I got the job.

I blink, disbelieving... Then I smile, I did it.

I did it!

So, what does this mean?

This means raise....

With pay incentive, I'm going from 1400 a month to 1800 a month (before taxes). BIG CHANGE.

Ultimately this means I can:

First, get my camera!

Second, goto Disneyland!

Third, taking those courses I have wanted to take to improve myself, and enjoy.

Forth, treat me!

And all that in between paying off my bills and debts.

No, its not a lot of money, but an extra 200 a month... (ish after taxes)... That is a big step for me. And soon my 6 month raise starts.

It will be a couple months before this comes together, but there it is.

And that is why I haven't been posting.... I have been to busy thinking to.... To scared to...

And that's it, and now I know...

I am good at my job, and I will be great on rez.

I believe in me....

Ok, I don't,

BUT...

I'm starting to.

And that is what is important!

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Nothing happens by itself... it all will come your way, once you understand that you have to make it come your way, by your own exertions."
-Ben Stein