16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is
gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even
remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It
never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built
the Titanic.

16. Final thought for the day: Men are like fine
wine.. They start out
as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap
out of them until they
turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs."
-Christopher Morley, Inward Ho