Mind a jumble

I had so much I wanted to say here the last few days.... I wanted to start a new year with writing everyday, not just here, but start a second blog (don't worry I will link to it) with random writings: fiction or non-fiction, start saving for that camera I wanted, switch shifts so I can go to some of the local photo clubs. So far I have done none of it.

On the up side, I have gotten to spend some amazing time with my brother these past couple weeks. He leaves in 3 days, back to Rome, which makes me sad, but I am making the most of the time I have.

At the same time, I sit here, mind a jumble, thinking about how for the past 3 weeks all I have done is make excuses not to go out. I have told friends at work I'm busy, friends at home I'm busy, non friends that I have better things to do. Truth is, I don't. Why am I shutting myself down from these people? I have some amazing friends in my life, both old and new, and yet I'm shutting myself away again.

And I don't know why.

And my mind is a jumble.

It is going a mile a minute with thoughts of longing to go out, and reasoning why to stay in. Thinking about what has been, what could be, what never will be.

It's like I am back sliding.

I keep listening to Gloria Estefan's song:

Always Tomorrow

I've been alone inside myself, far too long
Never really wanted it that way, but I let it happen
If I could do it all again, my life would be infinitely better than before
I wouldn't waste a moment
Make time for laughing with my friends
Make love, make music, make amends
Try to make a difference, try to love, try to understand
Instead of just giving up, I'd use the power at my command

(chorus)
That's why there's always tomorrow, to start over again
Things will never stay the same, the only one sure thing is change.
That's why there's always tomorrow

I guess it took a little time, for me to see
The reason I was born into this world,
And what I'd have to go through
For I've finally realized, that I could be infinitely better than before, definitely stronger
I'll face whatever comes my way, savor each moment of the day,
Love as many people as I can along the way
Help someone who's given up, if it's just to raise my eyes and pray

(chorus)
That's why there's always tomorrow, to start over again
Things will never stay the same, the only one sure thing is change.
That's why there's always tomorrow

(bridge)

Before your last setting sun
And everything your heart has longed for
Has yet to be (one)
Yes there's always tomorrow though people come and they go
But if you,ve brought some love to their lives
Then you've got something to show

I listen to that thinking, yeah I've finally realized, that I could be infinitely better than before, definitely stronger, but then someone will ask me to come over, and I'll make some excuse not to go. Granted sometimes they are viable reasons (like tonight, between being messed up and my bad night vision, which is extra bad in rain/snow I aint going no where... Especially until I sort this out), but usually they aren't. So I sit around thinking: Ok, I will write a little... Then I don't. I am hiding from myself, I am hiding from others. I sulk away from myself, I cower from others. I'm hiding in videos, and books, seeking solace, not here, but in the shelter of my couch with a book or remote.

And now my mind is reeling, wondering why... Why do I hide.

My mind is a jumble.

I keep hearing (from Sunflower - Corey Hart):

I'm a little tired
Pretty messed up tonight
I don't know where to begin
This aint no delusion
Looking out from within
Some place that I've never been
But I know that I let you down
I know that I let you down

I have let myself down.

I just sit here wanting to go out, but afraid to, afraid of disappointment, afraid of not being accepted, afraid of letting go, of letting in.

Is it just fear?

Or is it the disappointment?

Of all I could have been, could have done? Thing things I did not do?

Or is it more simple than that?

Is it just the fear of being hurt again?

Could it just be that simple? I am afraid to go out, to hang out with my friends, old and new because I am afraid of being hurt, of having my heart trampled on again.

I keep thinking, no, not thinking, longing. Longing to be with my friends, to hang out like I used to, with no fear, no pain, no loss. But that time is gone. My time of innocence. Now I fear being alone so I force myself to be alone so I wont be alone when its not my choice.

That doesn't make much since to me, but that is how I feel.

My brain is a jumble.

I cannot see why I isolate myself.

I cannot see why I am frustrated.

I cannot see why I am angry.

But I am.

I just want my mind to slow down. Let me take it all in.

And yet I have the good moments to. The moments where I can see how I have grown, and how I can laugh at work with all my friends, and how I can come home and pick up the phone and chat with more friends. How I have so lucky to have family and friends like I do, that love me.

Still my mind whirls.

Today is a fog.

Please let it clear....

Let me see what is going on.

Let me see why.

Let me go.


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."
-David Bornstein, January 28, 2000