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August 16th 2003
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So when do I get to sleep on the whole bed?
I haven't noticed this before last night, but I still am only sleeping on the left hand side of the bed. When will this stop? Today? Tomorrow? I'm very perplexed by the habit of this. I look at the big empty space to my right and I think, huh.... well Ill just move over here then. But by the time I wake up, I have moved over to the one side again.
A most bizarre habit I must admit.
So I told the X last night that after this weekend I cant seem him any more... That I cant do this. That I'm not strong enough to be his friend.
He had called me to see about getting together today instead of Sunday, which I thought was great, the last weekend I have off, why not. And I told him that this was it. I was going to say goodbye, and then I was walking away. He did not like that I don't think. He told me maybe we shouldn't get together then, because I need time to think about things. I told him that I have been thinking about things, and that I cant do it any more, and its now of never. So he said ok, well we will see what happens, and he told me hw would call me this morning to tee up a time to get together, and how hard it was fitting me in this weekend (cause we had only planed it for like 2 weeks but whatever). His social calendar is so full he only had a little time Saturday or Sunday. So I said call me Saturday morning, and we will take it from there. But, as of 3pm today, still nothing.
I don't think he realizes I'm serious.
But I am.
I really cant do this anymore.
It's destroying me, or at least my rediscovery of myself.
I have to walk away from my best friend.
And I cant look back.
I will miss him.
I will miss the cats.
I will miss his family (to be honest, the thought of loosing them has hurt me more than I can express.... There is not one of them I wouldn't do anything for, not one I don't love with all my heart).
I hate this.
I hate having to do this.
But I have to.
So I will.
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August 15th 2003
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Ugh
Well I passed my final today. So I hit the floor on Wednesday. I can believe it. Time went so quickly. I will miss everyone from class, because chances are pretty good we wont really get to see them again.
Well its true, the X's X does work at West. I haven't seen her yet, but how uncool. Just not what I need right now I assure you. Well who knows, maybe it wont be so bad... Or it will go horribly horrible wrong.
I made a decision last night.
I don't think I can be the X's friend. Not now... and probably not ever. I feel so bad about that.
He called last night, and there wasn't a thing that came out of his mouth that didn't make me hurt. He is becoming the man he used to be long before I met him... And I don't like that guy. I cant respect that guy. And that guy hurts me to much. So I cant be his friend. I cant see him, talk to him, or anything. I cant do it and be true to who I am, to who I'm becoming.
If it wasn't for the cats, it wouldn't be so bad, well yeah, it would, but I would certainly be easier.
So now I am truly looking forward, alone.
I don't hate the X.
In fact I wish him well, and hope he is happy, and gets everything he wants in life... But I cant be around that guy. I cant be near who he is becoming. I cant.
I cant hear about his trysts with all his women, it makes me hurt.
I cant hear about all his parties, it just makes me worry about the cats.
I cant hear about all the things he's doing, because it makes me feel alone.
I can handle being alone, but not feeling alone.... And I only feel alone after talking to him.
I may change my mind later... Who knows... but right now I cant do it.
I just cant.
I wish him a good life, and all the best.
Life's to short to worry about this.
I will miss him.
I will miss his family.
But this I have to do for me.
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to be his friend.
But I'm not
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August 13th 2003
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A good day gone bad.
How is it that you can be having a good day, feeling great, to feeling bottomed out and horribly depressed.
I work was terrible today, in class arguments, and accusations, and bad feelings all around. It was just shitty. I cant get over it. I got so angry at one point, I left the room. I wasn't the only one. There where a few of us.... to be honest, I think for some it was an escape, but for others it was just a way to avoid getting really angry.
So I went to the gym and worked my butt off.
I felt so good after to.
Then I came home.
And the X called.
Now I'm sitting at a huge low.
Not quite the lowest I've been, but damn close.
My friend Diane just left. We sat around watching (I was introducing her to) Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I showed her "Once More With Feeling". I love that episode.
It was fun sharing Buffy with her. I hoped she liked it, cause I need someone to share my Buffy addiction with. She says she likes it and wants me to show her through all the season I have on DVD, that will be fun!
So I'm sitting here listening to "Once more with feeling" soundtrack. Feeling horrible.
I don't know what to think, I mean, If the X didn't love me for 4 years, how could I have missed it? Why am I so easy to cast away? Am I going to be able to love again? How can I trust anyone with my heart again? Heck, HOW am I going to get over him.
What has become of me?
Who am I?
I don't know anymore... I'm struggling to keep my head above water, and so many people are fighting to keep it under.
Maybe I should just go to bed and forget this day.
I cant even play computer games to get over it. I don't have the heart to play them. Or play music. I have had to avoid music. So I have started listing to talk radio... Just so I won't hear a trigger song.
I guess Ill just start working out all the time... Vent that way. At least Ill have endorphins to keep me company.
God I want to smoke.
God I want to drink.
Thank goodness I can resist.
I hope.
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August 10th 2003
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Life is funny.
Here I am sitting alone in my apartment, looking out my window thinking about the events of the past 6 months, and how I have found myself where I am and why, and I'm a little shocked.
How did I come to be here?
It seems that events were completely out of my hands, but were they? Did some part of me long for the freedom I was missing? Did I allow myself to become trapped the way I did? Did I know I was living with a man who didn't love me? Did I know I was fighting for something that was only on my end? A loosing battle? Where did I go?
Who am I?
I certainly don't know the answer to that. I don't know who I was 6 months ago... Or who I am now... Or who I'm going to be in 6 months. I know one thing for certain. Who I am in 6 months will be different from who I am now, or who I ever was.
I am coming out of a large fog to see a scary world ahead.
Am I where I planed to be?
No.
Am I where I want to be?
I'm not certain.
What do I want?
I don't know.
The only thing I know for sure is that no matter what happens I have me. And I have to be happy with me, because I have to live with me for the rest of my life.
For now, I just need to find out who I am, and who I am becoming...
The long bumpy road seems to have changed me a fair bit... Time to examine the changes and realizes who I am.
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Burnt out.
Well I was going to go work out today, but I'm so sore, and I cant muster the energy. Maybe a little later today, but I doubt it. That's ok though.. Tomorrow. I figure I will go on the uber machine, and do a weight set, then maybe the tread mill.... Or the uber machine again. I don know. I get my welcome wagon basket tomorrow. I cant wait. Right now free is good. Really good.
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August 9th 2003
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Exhausted.
That's the only word to describe how I feel right now. Yesterday I went to work, came home to my new couches and other furniture (YAY... but half wasn't assembled), and then I went and worked out for an hour, with my personal trainer. Now I got a plan. No problemo. From there I came home and started building my "snap together furniture" (the bedroom suite). Yeah, um SO NOT SNAP TOGETHER. I have hammered 500+ nails, I have screwed 600+ 4 inch screws, 50 wood dowels were pounded in, etc etc etc... WHEW. I actually JUST FINISHED! My thumb and palms are swollen and bruised (from all the screwing hehe), and I'm sore as hell, both from the work out, and the building. I finished up, took the metric ton of garbage out, and went to the pool for an hour. I'm feeling much better.
Now the furniture looks amazing.
The couches, the dinette set, the bedroom set. Wow. It looks great!
The gym rocks. I cant wait to go again (I might tomorrow if I'm not to tuckered).
The pool and sauna... Yeah baby. Great.
If it wasn't for the WHY I'm here, I would be ecstatic.
But I do think I need to go to bed early tonight. I'm just exhausted. But, mostly I'm done.
I still need to hang pictures and stuff, but that will have to wait until the bookshelves arrive (yay more assemble *sigh*) That way I can decorate around where I want then, as opposed to place them based on the location.
The welcome wagon came today to... They are coming back tonight or tomorrow with the basket. Can you believe they still do that. I cant wait to see all the goodies.
So I'm going to cook a nice steak for dinner tonight, and then pass out.
I cant believe all this.
Life is strange.
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August 7th 2003
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Work is still pretty fun.
I cant get over how much fun work is. I really like the idea of being a customer care rep. I also really like everyone I work with. They are some of the neatest people. I'm trying to take the time to get to know each and ever one of them. They are having a party on Saturday... At the Bar Victoria. But I don't know if I should go. 1st, I don't think I'm ready for that. Not yet. 2nd I might run into the X.... Who knows. Ether way, I don't think its a good idea. But it would be fun. I would love to hang out with everyone, and party, but then again it comes down to cash cash cash. And that I DON'T have.
So here I sit watching Buffy, cause its awesome... while thinking about what to make for dinner, and of course there is the fact that my furniture comes tomorrow! YAY! Don't worry I will take pictures.
Tomorrow is my 1st day with my trainer... I cant wait. This is exciting!
Things are coming together.
I just wish I wasn't so lonely
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August 5th 2003
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Exhausted, Alone, Elated.
Wow... What an insane weekend. Move, move, move, move. On the road at 7am, last box in the house at 11pm. Saturday and Sunday. Most of Monday spent purging and cleaning, and cleaning, and cleaning. Did I mention cleaning. Holy Cow!
Crispin & Clara helped me move. IT was so great spending time with them. They are the best! I got to take a couple hours off to see Clara's horse jump, and that was AWESOME. I miss my horses. Seeing her horse, petting and taking to her horse, smelling the stables. It brought back allot of good memories.
I got to spend time with Helen and Hank also! They came to see my place, and we had doughnuts, and they brought the most beautiful flowers from their garden, I'm so very blessed to have them in my life.
Monday, between cleans and purges, I spent time with Sean & Diane. Again, these two are the greatest!! We hung out, played Oilman, and talked... You just don't get better. They are so awesome. They brought me a "house warming gift" of Coca-Cola (yay) and juice (Whoo) and some of their businesses cleaning products (SWEET!). How friggin lucky am I!
Tonight I went to my mom's neighbors, Ernie, and Betty. They are amazing people. We had 'Tea' and Ernie BBQ'ed pork, and we had a wonderful dinner. They even surprised me with a few boxes of groceries!! I cant believe it. How lucky am I to have such wonderful, helpful people in my life.
So here I sit... Purged of years of memorabilia. All unpacked. Just missing my new furniture, and of course there is no place for my cloths yet, but they are in the closet until the furniture gets here... And there is a mountain of purged stuff in the dining room I gotta take out... But not today.
Over the last few days I realized a few things....
I'm truly blessed.
I have no regrets.
Life, is good.
Thank you everyone.... Friends, Family, Everyone. You are amazing.
Cindy
(PS I want Internet)
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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
-Anon.
