Inflatable cow roping

That's right, I said inflatable cow roping. It was western day at work today. So we had hey bails lining the front door, and bridles, and halters, and everyone in the best western gear. During the day, a team went from room to room with an inflatable cow so people could compete for the best in room then best in west at roping cows. It was nuts!

Along the same lines, I got 1 wrong on my test today (and I don't agree its wrong but whatever), so I did good. Now we are onto trouble shooting, the biggest module in training. After that, our final, and then were done, and onto the floor for floor training. Time flies.

I'm still petrified about the move... but there is nothing I can do about it but look forward, and hope for the best.

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"In order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice."
-Richard Bach

Fear... It can sneak up on you.

What a day! It almost doesn't get any harder.

I went to work today, had a pretty good day, I did get to double jack which is always a plus. But I have been getting more and more frustrated at work. See, there is a clique at work which always talks and chats, and acts like it's high school... Hard to explain, but if you saw it, you would know exactly what I mean. Anyways, every week we switch around seating so we can get to know new people, work in different teams and so on. This week, I'm surrounded by the clique. They wont shut up. They sit and do notes, and doodle, and pass notes, and disrupt the class. James (our trainer) doesn't have to much control of them (but to his credit he cant see it all), any ways today was the last draw.

I'm working hard to try and learn everything I can, because I need this job... But more than that, I'm starting to enjoy this job, so I want to be good at it. For the first time in my life, I'm taking the hard road and it feels good. Anyway, this clique was all around me doing their thing, so I could barely concentrate. When it came time to double jack they decided to stay because (and I quote) "we haven't listened to a word all week and with an assessment tomorrow, we better try and figure this out.

Now I'm sorry, but HELLO!

I had been forced all week to listen to (and answer) "how do we do this?" "what's the answer to that?" after James just (and I mean JUST) explained it. I was so fed up! BUT, I want to help my team and I want everyone to do well, but after hearing how they KNOW they are messing around. That was it.

I talked to James about it.

He said he would talk to them, and if it came down to it, I should just not tell them, because I'm working hard, and it IS work, they should to.

I felt HORRIBLE.

But what choice did I have. I could barely do my own work because they were always talking, and then having to repeat everything the trainer had just said, and they to hear they KNOW they are doing it... No.

I think I surprised a few people in the class (I said this privately but there were a couple people who were still there). But I had to do it. I NEED to know this stuff. I NEED to do well. I cant like that.

I'm not their damn mother.

So that was that.

Then I came home and kind of was weird to the X.

I didn't mean to.. I was trying to get everything sorted out before the weekend move, and he was kind of in a bad mood and I fed on it. I said some things I shouldn't have, nothing to bad I don't think. But this was really the last night I could talk to him before "I hermit". I needed to talk to him. But I certainly didn't want it to go like that.

I feel terrible.

I just needed to talk.

I needed to make sure I would have everything I need to get by the weekend so that I could hermit. But he didn't see it that way.

Ether way, I feel bad. I just hope he can forgive me as I have forgiven him. And I hope that he will still be there as a friend when I'm ready.

I need to fall out of love with him.

I cant do that with out at least some time for me.

Some separation.

I finally managed to get DSL hooked up (and phone of course) for the "1st" (the DSL modem probably wont arrive until the 10th...

SO NO BLOG UPDATES WILL BE HAPPENING UNTIL DSL IS HOOKED UP!

I will probably keep bloging in word, but that will just be one DAMN long post on that day. You have been warned.

Then I went to the apartment to get my keys, parking space, and walk through the place.

I think I shit my pants.

I was terrified.

Seeing this empty apartment, meant for me, alone. A final nail in my emotional coffin. I mean this is it. This is really it! This is the beginning, of an unknown journey. I'm certainly not ready for this... as my sudden internal terror pointed out, but I don't have a choice, so I do what I must.

I don't want to do this.

I guess I just have to soldier on, and not look back.

So tonight, I'm going to turn in early, because I have an assessment tomorrow. And hopefully tomorrow I can hit the beach again (now that I have everything all figured out for he apartment).

God give me the strength to overcome my fear, and perceiver over this seemingly insurmountable mountain.


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed."
-Michael Pritchard

The beach does call.

MAN WAS IT HOT TODAY! I was supposed to go spend time with the X tonight, but he told me he is not feeling well, so he bailed, and I decided to go to the beach. I spent a looong time swimming up and down the beach, treading water, enjoying the sun, ocean, breeze, and beauty that was the beach.

It was excellent. Cool water, hot sun, and beauty everywhere... I was in heaven. Not to mention while I was practicing my treading water (10 minutes with hands and legs, and 5 minutes just legs arms above head - I'm so sore right now) the Snowbirds flew overhead a few times!!!

I will be starting at the Body Barn soon. I'm so excited! I may even get a personal trainer for a while ($89 for 3 months, and for an extra $19 you can get a personal trainer... Yean I'm SO all over that!), I CANT WAIT. By this time next year, I plan to be working out 5 - 7 days a week, and be back at my SCUBA (or better) fitness level (when I finished my SCUBA instructor course, I think I was the fittest I had ever been). It's going to be hard... But like I said below.. The time for the easy road is gone.

At work today, I applied for a trainer position. I actually forgot how much experience and training I had in that field. I may actually have a real shot!

Also at work we were talking about dream jobs... and everyone said theirs... They got to me (this was a casual lunch conversation) and I said "Marine Biologist specializing in Sharks".

They went silent.

This proclamation was then followed by.. "Wow, that's so not what we though you would say Cindy... Your already to qualified to be here (yeah right I though) and your telling us that you want to do something ELSE altogether". I sort of touched on my "the ocean" feelings, and what not.

But I made some decisions.

I'm going to save up and take come night courses and MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

As well one of my co-workers (one of the best idea people I have ever seen) and an amazing net worker (she knows EVERYONE) said she knew people at the oceanographic institute, and would see if she could help get me in to volunteer!! HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE!!!

I can see my way to the ocean...

It is like nirvana.

But, I must get to bed... I'm tired, sore, and smell like the ocean (ok well that kicks butt).

Maybe tonight I can dream of something new...

Maybe the ocean will call to my dreams!

A new design.

This is a new design brought to you by love (see link in the bottom right), and a ton of moding on my end. I'm really new to the idea of templates, so I'm not 100% sure this is going to work properly, but here it is anyways. Let me know what you think, or if you find any errors. Perhaps once I do get the hang of this, I can make it work ab bit better.


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"All of us, at certain moments of our lives, need to take advice and to receive help from other people."
-Alexis Carrel, Reflections on Life

I will accept no man-passengers in my life unless their baggage fits in my overhead bin.

I will accept no man-passengers in my life unless their baggage fits in my overhead bin.

We've all got baggage. That's not the point. The point is, can he reasonably manage his own baggage? If not, he's out.

I AM NOT HIS VALET,
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS EMOTIONAL STABILITY,
IT IS NOT FAIR FOR HIM TO ASK ME TO BE.

The person I really need to find right now is ME. I need to spend time being who I am, without The X. I have all the things I need to be a whole, happy person inside of me. I have to rummage around and find the things I had forgot I even had:

-- the "ocean" me
-- the smart me that likes song lyrics and poetry
-- the fun me that likes new hairdo's and cool clothes
-- the professional me that holds down a spiffy new job
--all the me's I forgot I had

Thank you to Lucia for this inspiration!

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"This one step -- choosing a goal and sticking to it -- changes everything."
-Scott Reed

Order of the Phoenix Fun-tastic Innuendo List

Order of the Phoenix Fun-tastic Innuendo List

Coming to terms.

The move is next weekend... Time is coming so fast now... Out of control.

I talked with the X today... Gosh I needed that. And I came to terms with the fact that I need to take some time, for me. Once I move I'm going to try and take this time... Enjoy the solitude... In which ever form suits me best. I just hope everything will be ok once I'm done.

I'm starting from ground zero again... From step one.

Ready or not world... Here I come...

Again.

So where do I go from here... I don't know... But the journey will be interesting. Come next Tuesday, Ill be able to see things a little more clearly... A little more in focus... and little more alone.

I hope I have the strength, to take the time I need.

God give me the strength to persevere.

Tomorrow is another day...

I will embrace it.

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from."
-T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets"

Corey Hart - Sunflowers

I'm a little tired
Pretty messed up tonight
I don't know where to begin
This ain't no delusion
Looking out from within
Some place that I've never been
But I know that I let you down
I know that I let you down
I keep writing letters
I keep waiting for your call
Don't even know where you are
Seasons are turning
Winter is coming on
(Where are the sunflowers now?)
That I promised I would grow
[Promised I would grow]
Swore that we would know
[We would grow]
Baby it's so hard changing the lines
When words fall like rain
[Fall like rain]
Baby it's so hard seeing the signs
[It's so hard]
Where nothing remains the same
[Remains the same]
It doesn't mean that we
Don't care no more
It doesn't mean the bleedings over
It doesn't mean that I'm not sorry
Nothing I could ever say
(Nothing I could ever do)
Will carry each other
Carry each other away
When we stood together
After all this time
Our lives so deeply entwined
(From the arc of the ocean)
(Sunflowers on the hill)
Love was what we both found
And we know there will always be
Know there will always be
Baby it's so hard changing the lines
When words fall like rain
[Fall like rain]
Baby it's so hard seeing the signs
[It's so hard]
Where nothing remains the same
Oh it's so hard living in pain
The angels forget your name
[Forget your name]
Oh it's so hard when you betray
The dream you most would save
[Baby it's so hard changing the lines]
Baby it's so hard changing the lines
When words fall like rain
[Fall like rain]
[Baby it's so hard]
Baby it's so hard seeing the signs
[Baby it's so hard]
Where nothing remains the same
[Baby it's so hard].


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Adversity is the first path to truth."
-George Gordon Byron, Don Juan

Amanda Marshall - I'll Be Okay

It's time to let you go
It's time to say goodbye
There's no more excuses
No more tears to cry
There's been so many changes
I was so confused
All along you were the one
All the time I never knew

I want you to be happy
You're my best friend
But it's so hard to let you go now
All that could have been
I'll always have the mem'ries
She'll always have you
Fate has a way of changin'
Just when you don't want it to

Chorus:
Throw away the chains
Let love fly away
Till love comes again
I'll be okay

Life passes so quickly
You gotta take the time
Or you'll miss what really matters
You'll miss all the signs
I've spent my life searching
For what was always there
Sometimes it will be too late
Sometimes it won't be fair

Chorus

I won't give up
I won't give in
I can't recreate what just might have been
I know that my heart will find love again
Now is the time to begin...

Chorus

I'll be okay
I'll be okay
I can't hold on forever baby
I can't hold on forever baby
I can't hold on forever baby
Yeah, yeah
I'll be okay

I'm done.

I can't sit here fighting to be friends with a man who wont even consider being there for me in my time of need. Who wont put things aside to help me, or to even offer. I got some insanely horrible news today which has had me crying since I got home, and I needed his friendship.

He refused.

I have never needed my best friend more than I do this second. Not because he is my X, but because he has been my best friend 6 years. I needed to talk to him. He refused. Apparently his new friends are more important than me. I guess this shouldn't surprise me, even when we were together if I was sick, or had a migraine, he didn't care, he would have is stupid friends over to party. I would be sick in the washroom, unable to bare the noise and he didn't care. I guess he never really did put me first. But now.. good god, I cant do this alone, and he refuses to care.

Fuck him.

While I'm dealing with the fact the man I am in love with, starting a new life, new job, finding a new home, moving, loosing all my pets, and everything else, I still dropped everything to help him while he went through his problems. I sat and listened while he ripped my heart out telling me he hasn't loved me for 4 years (which I would like to add means his proposal/ring was a big fat lie), or while he told me the sorted details of his new girls, and everything, I endured the pain because he needed me... Because I wanted to FIGHT to keep my friend... My best friend. But he wont even put one fucking night aside to be my friend, when I need him most.

His new fiends are more important than someone who stood beside him for 6 years (more if you count our friendship we had before), someone who was always there for him.

Fuck him. FUCK HIM!

It's not like this is trivial shit (I cant talk about it yet, because this is public and I don't know who needs to know this yet, and this is not the place to find out information like this), this is as big as it gets.... But here I sit alone... Needing to talk to my best friend, but he's out for dinner with his new girls.

FUCK HIM!

Tossing me aside is one thing. Trampleling on my heart while I fought to be his friend because he had no one else to talk to is one thing. Abandoning me when I need him... TRULY NEED HIM. Its unforgivable.

He didn't even take 5 minutes out to call me.

Seems for the last 4 years I've been used.

Strung on until he had someone new.

Old tricks die hard huh?

I know he has allot going on with him right now... But I would drop everything in a second to be there for him... And I have since we have been apart. But not even a call, nothing but a "I'm sorry I cant help you".... If I can sit and listen to his sorted love life, how he is doing everything I always wanted for us with someone else and still smile, he certainly could have taken 5 minutes to call me.

I cant believe it.

I'm the only one fighting to be friends... Because no matter what you are going through, you always come though for your friends (just look at what I have done for him though all this!!).

I'm not going to fight to be friends alone... I don't need the pain involved. This shouldn't be a solitary battle; I'm still in love with him, and I'm willing to listen, to be there no matter how hard, but it has to be a two way street!. I don't need the pain if he's not willing to fight too!

If he needs someone to talk to, or to be there for him, he going to have to look somewhere else.

I'm not going to deal with the pain if he's not willing to even try.

Fuck that!

I still want the best for him... I want nothing but happiness for him.

But if he's not even willing to take 5 minutes out to talk to me now...

He never will.

He never did.

I guess I should have expected this.

Have a great life...

But I can't do this anymore.


"Change my mind man, tell me I'm wrong... Prove me wrong... Let us stay friends... Please! Even with this, I still need your friendship. I still want to be friends. Like I said six years ago, "The most important thing to me is our friendship, and we shouldn't get together if there is a chance of loosing that..." COMMON!! PROVE ME WRONG!!! BE THERE FOR ME!!! DON'T MAKE ME WALK AWAY! "

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."
-C. G. Jung, Psychological Reflections

Amanda Marshall - Too Little, Too Late lyrics

Tuesday night - 7:30
I hear a voice on the telephone
Doin' fine - then it hits me
The voice that I am hearing means you're not alone
I thought it would be easy but it's not
And now I would give all that I've got
CHORUS

But it's too little too late
No going back to the start
You only lose when you hesitate
And now that I would give you my heart
It's too little too late

Two more weeks - I start to wonder
If what I'm missing's really worth these tears
What's the point - you've found another
And I just keep on talking but you just can't hear
You swore you'd wait forever and a day
I never thought I'd live to hear you say
CHORUS

So mad about me
You couldn't live
Without meNow you say you're moving on
I took the long way
I told you maybe someday
I guess I made you wait too long
SOLO

I know I've only got myself to blame
And I've still got my pride but just the same

It's just too little too late
No going back to the start
You only lose when you hesitate
And now I wanna give you my heart
And now you tell me

That it's too little too late
No going back to the start
You only lose when you hesitate
And now that I would give you my heart
It's too little too late
It's too little
Too late

So its been 40 days since my X asked me to leave, and I feel worse than ever.

I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds. Not so in all cases, and certainly not quickly. Its been 40 days, and the only thing I'm sure of is that he doesn't love me, and he has moved on. I have made motions to move on, but I'm no where near that point yet. My heart aches, my mind reels, and there isn't a thing I can do about it.

I managed to get a job (which I was really lucky to find, and after talking to the people working with me, seems I wasn't the only one having problems... There are people there who are so desperate for work and money, they are living out of cars and have no lunches, because they haven't been able to find work before now), I've gone into so much debt its sick, I got a place to move into in 10 days, and I'm trying to rediscover myself... But its all so much, so sudden.

I haven't had time to grieve, or to accept my state, I've just been doing what I have to. It will be better when I get my own place. There is nothing I covet more than my own space. I may have chosen to share that (happily to) over the last 6 years with my X, but he understood my need for solitude.

Everything seems to make me cry, talking to my X, and hearing him do all the great things he's doing, feels so painful, and I feel like he's telling me out of spite. He isn't. He is sharing with his friend. But it still hurts like hell!

We are both fighting so hard to stay friends, and eventually we will get over this hump (or I will), and the friend thing will be easy again. But if we don't do it now, it will fade. I cant have that. Hearing about the new girlfriend, the going dancing, and camping, and all the things I wanted to do with him hurts, but I am happy for him. I only want the best and happiest for him. So I listen and cry inside.

Money is going to be really tight for a long time. New job, new place, everything costs money, and its not like I'm making good money to start with... Its not the worst it could be, but its not the best ether. I can live.

I have very supportive friends in all this, although I wish The X would be there for me the way I need him (AS A FRIEND), cause I do need his friendship... And to talk to him. He's been my best friend forever, its weird having to re define that.

All I have managed to figure out is somehow I messed up. I lost the man I love. And I must have somehow been holding him back from all the things he wanted, he needed in life, for himself. But he will be ok now, I'm sure of it. He will be happy, and that's all that matters to me.

I think once I get moved into my new place things will come together for me.

I will be able to really start moving on with my life.

Until then, I will keep pushing, because I must.

One day, Ill be ok.

Until then, Ill Cry.

---Right about now... I envision The X and his new girl are enjoying each others company... Knowing him, its about right... Confimations she's staying, and he's feeling good... yeah.. right about now... God, it's not fair!---

The Official Shotgun Rules

The Official Shotgun Rules

The Google tool bar with built in blog capabilities!

Ahh... Google, how I love you. They are beta testing their new tool bar, with POPUP STOPPER, and BLOGGER features built it. It also has a site rating feature too, but it tracks your web browsing, and I'm not comfortable with that. But I can search, and to all that stuff from my google bar now! Great stuff!

The Google Toolbar increases your ability to find information from anywhere on the web and takes only seconds to install.
When the Google Toolbar is installed, it automatically appears along with the Internet Explorer toolbar. This means you can quickly and easily use Google to search from any website location, without returning to the Google home page to begin another search.

The Google Toolbar is available free of charge and includes these great features:

Google Search: Access Google's search technology from any web page.
Search Site: Search only the pages of the site you're visiting.
PageRank: See Google's ranking of the current page.
Page Info: Access more information about a page including similar pages, pages that link back to that page, as well as a cached snapshot.
Highlight: Highlight your search terms as they appear on the page; each word in its own color.
Word Find: Find your search terms wherever they appear on the page.
Popup Blocker: Make surfing the web easier by stopping annoying popups.
AutoFill: Automatically fill in a form with the click of a button.
BlogThis: Create a weblog post pointing to the page you are visiting.


You want it? You can get it here (Only the beta version right now has built in blogger capabilities.)

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"Solitude is as needful to the imagination as society is wholesome for the character."
-James Russell Lowell, Among My Books, 1870

Worries...

I'm really worried about the X right now. He's kind of a mess. We were supposed to go to a movie tonight, but he cant handle that so I'm going to meet up with him and figure it out from there. No matter what, I'll always be there if he needs me, so off I go to make sure he will be ok.

As for me. I did my billing assessment today: One wrong! And it was dumb to! I had it right on my scratch paper, but when I looked at the answer, my eye went to the sub total. When I went over my questions, I did it on a fresh paper, so I wouldn't copy any mistakes... and when I did it I missed the sub total step completely, so I had the wrong answer when I check (but it was the same as I selected)! Oh well. 96.6 is still pretty darn good IMHO.

After my test I got to listen to calls again (not double jacking, just listening from upstairs) what a hoot! I'm learning so much just from listening. This is going to be a fun job I think!

Moving day is creeping up... a week Saturday.

I'm really scared to be honest with you, but kidna excited at the same time. I hope the move goes smoothly, and that I don't forget anything. And of course all my furniture wont arrive until the 7th anyway so

So here I still trying to kill 30 minutes before I have to leave to go meet the X...

Good thing I got great GREAT understanding friends to chat with!!!

You guys ROCK!!

More when I get back I'm sure.

I hope you like my new updated watch, read, play, listen items. I'll try and keep them on a somewhat stead rotation.

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"When you make the finding yourself - even if you're the last person on Earth to see the light - you'll never forget it."
-Carl Sagan

Double jacking

Today at work, I got to double jack, it was so much fun. Double jacking is where you sit with an experienced rep working on calls, you plug into their phone, and listen, and watch how the calls actually work. It was amazing. I got to see stuff we were learning put into practice. I got to watch the computer, hear the calls and then, the rep would ask me if I had any questions about the call. She was awesome. It was an incredible learning experience.

Of course with double jacking came the opportunity to see the floor. All I can say is WOW. 500 cubicles, and people everywhere. It was something. I'm really excited about getting to do this, this job really looks like allot of fun, and being in on the ground floor is amazing. I'm really quite impressed with it all. I hope I do well here. I could see myself staying here for a while... whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know. But I could.

I need to do well.

I have a 2 hour assessment tomorrow (at 7am GAH) on billing. I hope I do well. I would like to get another 100%. My math has been pretty good on this actually, which is surprising, but its more formulas which I was always good at, as long as my basic math is watched carefully, Ill do great.

Tomorrow I get to go see a movie with the X... I'm very excited by this, but to be honest, a little scared. There is nothing more in this world that I want then to be friends with him (besides being his again, but that ship sailed forever the SECOND he got a new girl... I mean I will NOT be a temporally step aside girl while he has fun with other girls, and then come back when he's done.. Nuh huh.) but I don't know if I can take it. I must try though. Its just so hard... Sitting on the sidelines and hearing about him going out dancing... Where for 6 years I begged to go out dancing, once... just ONCE... and he wouldn't "I don't like dancing, I don't want to" but I guess he just didn't want to do it with me...

I guess it was just me...

He didn't want to be with me.

That's allot to take... allot to swallow, and try and stay friends.

But I miss my friend. He has been my best friend for 6 years, and the pain of losing that on top of losing him is so much. Maybe I can make it work. I have to try, but time will tell... It will be come apparent to me quickly. As soon as I move into my new place, and get my own space, it will all come clear. I hope I can do it... I hope can stay friends, I hope he can stay friends with me too...

Time will tell.

Right now, I'm worried about sorting out my head... I'm pretty low... probably my lowest ever... but I think once I get my own place, Ill be much better... I hope. Until then, I will go on.

Because the alternative is unacceptable!

Mixed up night

Well I'm still all messed up, but there doesnt seem to be a damn thing I can do about it. I went for a walk last night in hopes of making this go away. But its not working. Seems I've hit an incrediblly low low. That's why I didnt post last night, I felt to blazie.

Oh well, maybe work will cheer me up.

HA!

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy."
-Anon.

Panic atack... For no good reason. Why?!?

Well, my gut is trying to tell me something. I wish I knew what the heck it was.

But let me start at the beginning of the day. I got up, and was getting ready to go furniture shopping. Big day of buying a new couch and maybe bedroom suite. While waiting to go (for the store to open), but I felt off, I'm not quite sure why. While listening to some internet radio I heard "Nobody Knows" (which I immediately posted the lyrics to) the song kind of touched me a bit. But anyway... So off I went, to buy my new furniture (gosh, I cant believe I'm parting with the couch), of course I got there and spent 3 times what I was planning. Of course, it looks AWESOME, but by the end of tomorrow I'll hit 10,000 in the hole .

So I got a new Bedroom suite;
Damn them, the removed remote linking... I swear it's pretty

A new couch and chair set (the couch I got in the red, the chair in the blue, no love seat yet);
Damn them, the removed remote linking... I swear it's pretty

And a dinette set (the chairs are a matching set to the living room set, same fabric, and they are in the blue of the living room chair);
Damn them, the removed remote linking... I swear it's pretty

So needless to say, that's allot more than I had originally planned. I planed a cheap couch set (cheap cheap) which I didn't get, I got a nice one, a cheap bedroom set (which I got), and no dining room set, much less a nice one. So yikes. It's all going to be delivered on the 7th... So a week without any main furniture... but I guess that's ok. Nothing I can do about it.

When I got home, I chatted with The X a bit. He's spending the evening hanging with his new girl. Good for him I guess... Still makes me feel horrible. I can't believe this is all happening. This wasn't supposed to be the way it goes. It just hurts so much.

I wish I knew why god was making me feel like this. I know there must be a reason... I just don't know what it is...

Anyways, I digress.

I wanted to do something nice for my mom for helping me out. So I cooked dinner tonight, and I'm cooking tomorrow. A couple nice Mexican dishes... Nothing fancy, just giving her a break. Tonight I made bean and beef burritos, tomorrow chicken fajitas.

After dinner, I had the worst panic attack. My stomach is in knots. I went upstairs and watched Futurama. But the felling didn't go away. I'm terribly anxious about something... I feel like I'm falling. I haven't had anxiety like this for a few weeks... It feels like my insides are being torn away. Maybe its because the X is having a nice night with his girl... Maybe its the work coming tomorrow.... Scared about the NEED of the job. I've never NEEDED a job like I need this one. It's always been something fun, something to do. This is need. So maybe its that. Maybe its the move next weekend, or the money. Maybe starting life again, having to give up the love in my heart, or learning, at some point, to love again. Maybe its the new apartment, or the absolute lack of control I have over my life right now. I don't know... I'm just a wreck right now. And there is nothing I can do about it. Maybe I'll try to write some music, or something, I just need... I don't know what I need. I'm just sitting here listening Colorful by the verve pipe, over and over again, and realizing I lost the best thing in my life. I lost my true north, and now I'm spinning, and I don't know which way to go. He was always my guide, my way home. I wish I meant the same to him as he does to me. Its so damn hard letting go. But to quote Colorful:

"The show is over close the story book,There will be no encore"

I'm starting to wonder if he was ever really there the way I needed. Don't get me wrong, he was there for me in more ways than I can count... he helped me stop my out of control drinking, and he helped me through so much, but that was so long ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe I was just his rebound girl... A convenience till he met his miss right. There was a time when he used to look after me first. He would surprise me with breakfast in bed with a fresh rose from the garden;

The love in his eyes...

But that was so long ago... The days when a stuffed dog would come home with him just so he could see my smile. Those were the days we would just sit in each others arms on the couch (this is why I had to leave it behind) and hold each other, comfortable in silence or speech. It didn't matter, we just wanted to be together. He would awake me with a hug and make the day perfect. There was nothing I couldn't do because I had him.

And now I sit, alone, in tears... Dieing inside, because that will never be for me again. Never. God I love him. It not fucking fair, What went wrong. Where did it all go astray. All I wanted was to make him happy... I guess I failed, because here I sit, afraid and alone. How can I ever love again... How can I? I sat there crying for years with happy tears over my love for him. Things weren't perfect, but who cares. Love can do anything right.

I guess sometimes love just aint enough.

I will never NEVER forget the good times, the smiles, the bliss, being lost in love.

I just need to get rid of these feelings... These feelings of being used... There just so he could have someone at his side. I feel so stupid. How could I not have known... for 4 years he never loved me... How could I not have seen it... How!!! How could he do that to me.

GOD HELP ME!!!

I cant stand this pain.

I lost my love.

I guess we at least had one good year...

I will never forget our first date... Ever.

If your reading this...

I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted... And couldn't be what you needed. Just know, you were for me. I love you. I always will. I will always remember our first kiss, our first night. You were my first TRUE love. You are my heart, and I will never ever forget the good times. I just wish we had a chance to try and get that back. We could have you know... If you had talked to me years ago... When you started falling out of love.. or whatever... We could a fixed it. We had a good thing. It is killing me watching it go away. I will miss you forever.

I love you.

Fuck, I cant stop crying... I cant stop this panic... I got to go for a walk...

Verve Pipe Colorful
The show is over close the story book
There will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well they're reaching for the door
I watch their backs as they leave single file
But you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn't pantomime
You are more beautiful when you awake
Than most are in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory well
You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser's living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Look ahead as far as you can see
We'll live in drama but we'll die in a comedy
I know I can be colorful...

Tony Rich Project - Nobody knows

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown, I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is tumbling down
I can say it so clearly
But you're nowhere around

Chorus:
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling at night and
Nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night as if
I thought you'd hear me
Yeah my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can you get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle
It's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say
Just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I'll be loving you still
Chorus:
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow morning I'm hitting
The dusty road
Gonna find you wherever
Ever you might go
I'm gonna unload my heart and hope
You come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely...

Chorus:
The nights are lonely
The days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about
The love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me



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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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"There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts."
-Christine Lavin, "Prisoners of their Hairdos"

Rainy days in my heart

Well, I got back from the X's an hour ago. What an overwhelming feeling... Feelings really. I went over kind of in a bad mood, we chatted a bit on ICQ before I went over and well I got the impression that something was really wrong... I was really worried about him, so off I went, but not before I got the feeling he was pushing me off, away, and trying to prevent me from coming over. So I got angry. I was so worried about him, but he didn't want, or need my help. Fair enough, but I still wanted to see the cats, and I didn't like being shoved aside from that.

That was the wrong attitude I guess.

I frantically packed one of the closets, while he sat there, messed up, and not talking, all but falling asleep. I was angry at that. I shouldn't have been I guess. I should have been understanding, but all I could see was that he was centered on himself, and that I was keeping him up (that's how I perceived it), and forgetting how much it hurt for me to be there, how much effort it took to even go. I got so angry, because I thought he thought he had the market contoured on being fucked up.

But he doesn't.

One or two of the things I'm going though, might not be so bad, but all, and at once. It's so much. New job, new clothes, new hair, new car, new debt, new apartment, new furniture, new life, and no love. All with out the love of my life... With out my soul mate. It's just so much. So very much. I have to grieve and get on with life and put on a fake brave front all at the same time. I hurt seeing him. Hearing him. Talking to him. Knowing that he is not mine. And as much as I try to be there for him, and I am there for him not matter what, that he cant be there the same for me. He just isn't there. Nothing intentional. It's just the flow of his life, his new direction. And it hurts.

His life seems to be good, and a train wreck all at the same time. And I'm worried about him. I'm happy for him that he found what sounds like a great girl... Even though that's the most painful thing for me. And all I want for him is to be happy... Even if it hurts me. And when I see him struggling with his emotions, his mind, his heart, it hurts me to, because he's supposed to be happy. I think in time, he will be great, until then, hurt or not, I will be there for him if he needs me.

I would give anything to be with him again...

But Ill take his friendship...

Even if it hurts right now...

I value it more than anything.

We talked allot. I told him how I was feeling... a bit... I cant dump everything on him, that's not fair... not with all he is going thought. But we talked, and then watched a movie (MIB II), but then I needed to go cause he had to call his lady and sort things out with her.

And of course, besides being still in love with him, I'm horribly attracted to him to. I mean, he's Hot... And he's GREAT... That makes it tough to. He's not mine anymore.

I just have so many emotions right now.

Love, hate, sorrow, anger, friendship, bitterness, regret, fear, terror, jealousy... You name it, I'm feeling it. And all these emotions are jockeying for #1 position, and I have to bottle them all up. Put them away. Until I can face them. The only emotion that isn't there is happiness. I cant seem to get that one yet.

It's raining in my heart, and I cant stop crying.

There is just so much...

Just to much...

But I will persevere, because I must.

The alternative is unacceptable.

So I go on. Wondering where I will be a month from now, or year. My life plans lay shattered at my feet, and loneliness swells in my heart. I had everything figured out just a month ago... My whole life's plan... Now I must start again. But this time for me.

I'm glad my X has moved on, and gotten a new life, and new friends, and new girl... Even if it hurts me, it makes me happy to see him doing well.

But I will go on. I will fight my soul, my heart, to remain his friend.

I will cry.

I will grieve.

But I will go on.

All and all, back to the point, tonight was weird... We both kept bouncing emotions around like they were rubber balls. Nether of us completely open, nether completely closed. I'm debating not going back there for a while... Maybe just hook up for movies or such (like were going to see Finding Nemo on Wednesday).. But then again, I want to see the cats, and his place is safe. And seeing all the pets is hard. My fish, my cats, all of em. I miss them so. I love them. And I want to be able to go over and hang out, to be the great friends we once were, and are fighting to be again. I'm so conflicted. So confused. So alone. So many emotions, all at the surface... And when I see him... Everything comes rushing to the surface of the surface... raw, and full. Not to mention that there is just so much going on for us.. both of us, that it makes it hard. I feel very weird there, and it hurts. I come back crying every time. Seeing him does me such good, and such bad right now...

I just wish, I wasn't still in love with him.

What... No post yesterday!

Well ok, I didn't post yesterday. I "may" have been way more tired than I thought after a long work week of 6am wakeup calls, so after Oz was over, I just passed out. Sorry. So in about 40 minutes give or take, I'm off to the X's. I need to pack some stuff and get it ready from the move ont eh 2,3,4th. I hope it goes well... I just wanna see my cats. I love those Kittys (DHU [pronounced Dew) & Bandit) they are the best girls anyone could ask for. Im heart broken to be loosing them to. It's not fair. But what can I do. At least, they are in good hands.

I did some number crunching. Things are gonna reeeeealy tight. I really wish it didnt have to be like this. This time last month (exactly) I was talking to my friends about how great everything was getting, how we were finnaly making details about the wedding, and home and how much I loved him. One month ago tomorrow, I was kicked out.

Life isnt fair.

I wish I had a time machine.

I would go back 10 years, maybe 12.

I would change so much. And yet, I would still do it over again... some things. THE thing.

I wouldent change that.

The time I spent with him, was the best time in my life. Good, and Bad.

So for that, I am greatful.

And I forgive him.

For everything.

Becuse I must to move on.


---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

Two hour salon trip and strange epiphany's

Had another long day at work. We did end the day though by listening to some calls. That was really neat. I hope I can do well in this job, I really like it. It's a far cry from what I want, but unfortunately nothing I want I can have, so its ether move on and do what I got to do, or wither and die. I'm not ready for option 2. My insides feel like they are withering and dieing, but that should fade with time... I hope.

I realized some things today:

I'm grieving. Allot. It's quite painful. Everything seems to break me down to the point of tears. My inner strength is fading, slowly, but its fading. I'm devouring myself. I'm not sure what this means though. Is the "Old Me" Killing off this version of me that is part of an us? Or is the us part of me unwilling to let go, and will forever consume my sprit? Maybe there is some new, different, me, struggling to get out, to be free. Ether way, it hurts like hell. I cant take it. Hopefully once I get my new place, and get settled, I cant start to work on me, as opposed to the separation of an us. Until then, and probably after as well, I just have to hold on. I have to keep my spirit alive. It was a tiny flame inside me... almost out, but it survived, I cant extinguish it now. Not now.

Music is bad, and good, all at the same time. I have laughed myself silly today while listening to music, and I found myself crying all at the same time. Apparently, when I was younger (like 18), I "knew" I was going to be here, at this point in my life. I wrote a song about it, and recorded it, and stuck it in the middle of a mix tape so that I would stumble upon it today while I was rummaging though tapes grabbing the first random mix take I could find. I damn near pissed myself. The words... The words I wrote... they were talking to me, about me.... I was tripped OUT! I mean, here I am listening to words I wrote so long ago, that fit me to a tee, not me then, me now. The song is called "Is it me" and with a few changes (editing for a couple better words... not for content... just my expanded vocabulary), it would really be something. I need to find the lyrics. I know Diane has a hard copy, but I'm trying to find a soft copy somewhere, because I would love a stab at a rewrite.

I never got Alanis Morrisette before... Apparently. Although now I do. Again, this song came on the radio, and wow, I just couldn't believe it! The song I heard was... you oughta know. I mean wow!! If it was a little less bitter... It woulda been written for me. It's a little more jaded than me, because I'm going to stay friends with my X... But its EXACTLY how I feel! EXACTLY... Sometimes even with the jadedness... What can I say, I'm only human, I have my moments.

Well here.. Take a look:

You Oughta Know
Alanis Morisette

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on your in a theater
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive

CHORUS:
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to but you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're sill alive

REPEAT CHORUS

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it... well can you feel it

REPEAT CHORUS



Anyways, enough of that. I will get the lyrics of my song as soon as I can find them. And I will take a stab at a re-write, but Ill post the original first for comparison.

So..

Today was hair day.

And the new me is complete.

Here is a picture of me just back from the salon. Keep in mind, my curly hair will be back the second my hair gets even slightly wet (like a trickle of rain), but this is the straightening I talked about a few days ago, and the new color from today (color and straightening time 2.5 hours WHEW).

The new me:



I'm off to bed to try and get some sleep... its hard as hell getting up at 6am. So I'm trying to get to bed so I get at least 7 hours (doesn't always work). TGIF THOUGH!!

---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Life is wasted on the living."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Old debt's will haunt

Well what a day. I took the heap back. They did not seem very pleased about it, but I didn't care, they said "we will cover anything major" and seeing as how I'm not a jerk, I just asked for a refund (I could have asked for the repairs $789 to make it safe $655 to make it run well in an $800 car... I don't think so). So I got my money back ,and but down a bundle on that Toyota I mentioned yesterday. Yup, 2 Door, 4 Speed, Hatchback, Strong arm steering (I like that, but I guess to each his own). It's white, and the mechanic's gave it the thumbs up! There is a couple things that need to be attended to but nothing soon, and nothing more than $100. About right for a used car.

I had my first assessment today. 100%. Yeah baby! Of course, open book, open computer on topics I know. The ONLY way I could gotten less, was to not read the questions. But I want this job, and love the people, and the corporation I work for, and I'm actively trying not to be lazy, or take the easy route any more, so I spent TIME on the questions. Went over it until I was sure. The long way, but it paid off. I'm actually thinking I might want to transfer to ether being a trainer, or human recourses (hiring) or tech support. But I think for tech support you need your Citrix Cert. Maybe I can steel The X's?

Speaking of the X...

I talked to the X last night on the phone... I think we both needed to talk... We certainly need to get some stuff out. But in the end we were laughing and joking. I like being his friend, even if it hurts. I like it. I'm glad we are both fighting to be friends. I wish I didn't love him anymore... I especially wish I wasn't attracted to him. I mean, he's HOT. It would be so much better if he wasn't... Or at least if I didn't think so.

I'm still so jealous over all his new women (ok 2), but I am. I always have been. It's kind of nice to know that even if at the time he wasn't interested in them, my radar was on to something subconscious, and what they were thinking. My radar has been pretty bang on.

Anyway...

So I hooked up Shaw, and tried to hook up telus today. Seems a bill for 5 years ago wasn't paid. I don't know HOW that's possible, because in the 3 years before we move and they year we had forwarding addresses we never got a single notice. BUT $450 owing and $450 deposit required... HERE I FRIGING GO AGAIN! I don't know what I'm going to do. All I do know is that IF I got digital cable now, it would only be 4 dollars more... I mean seriously. I wish I could afford that box or I would so have it. I would call it my treat. I mean the movies rock.

So I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess it will fall into place some how.

Tonight will be my quiet night. Bed early.

I cant wait to get into my new place.

I just hope I have the strength to keep going. Everyday seems so overwhelming, and I feel like I cant go on. But I must persevere. And I will. I have to, what other choice do I have.


---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."

Albert Einstein

A mind is shambles, scattered thoughts

My god, what a day!

It seems that my car is a write off. But that's ok. Nothing like ensuring that you can take it back if the mechanic (when you finally got in for an appointment) finds any faults that are bad. Now most people realize (or at least should) any cheap-o used car, You got to put some cash into it: But this is crazy!, sheesh. Over $700 to make it SAFE (in an $800 car) yeah, I don't think so. The SAFETY list, wasn't even half of what needed to be done. Back it goes, tomorrow after work.

But, I'm lucky, and found another car... unfortunately ALLOT more money. It's a 1989 Toyota Turcell, with 140 and change on the odometer. I took it for a test drive, and shook the guys hand. Its my car tomorrow after work. Its fabulous. 4 speed (OH YEAH STANDARD AGAIN!!!!!), 4 cylinder. But the engine has been REDONE! Like I'm talking REDONE:

This is the new or done list I have in my hands:

engine rebuild
clutch bearing
brake shoes
muffler'
bulbs
exhaust pipe
gasket
clutch disc
motor mount
engine assembly
ring set
head gasket
seals
timing belt
oil filter and 10/30 oil
anti freeze
air filter

Like I said a COMPLETE overhaul! It runs like a dream. With $1,058 in labor and $969 in parts, I should hope so. Its WAY out of my price range, but at this point, in for a penny in for a pound.

I looked at a few cars, including a convertible version of Crispin's Land Yaught. But when I did the math, even thought the Turcell is more expensive now, GAS and MILEAGE I'm going to save a fortune.

My mom was actually quite surprised. She expected me to go for the rag top right away. But the engine needed work, so did the interior, and the body, and the fluids were bad. Not to mention, I'm not 16 anymore. And rag tops may be COOL, but quite frankly, I need budget and function right now. That's what I picked.

Work today was hard. Not challenging hard, HABIT hard. At 7am we started training day 2 (out of 8 weeks), and today we got to learn things like:

Using Outlook,
Using Internet Explorer
The History of AT&T Wireless
ETC - and all this is being displayed on a big screen with the lights off.

Needless to say, I had MUCH in the way of coffee, and poked the pen into my leg for hours. It was all I could do to stay awake! And rule number one (they are VERY strict... allot of people I know couldn't handle the strictness) is YOU SLEEP, YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES, YOUR FIRED! But I made it through. This has to be one of the coolest places to work at. The people are great, there is so many chances for me to progress up the ladder, and its fun. Nothing like seeing Flat Screen 17' monitors by the thousands. Every workstation, every classroom (one for each person) every cubicle, every office... EVERYWHERE. Its cool. I'm really liking it there... I just need to get to the meat and potato's of the training so I don't die. To bed early with me tonight I tell you!

---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
A good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!

How cute is Joshua!

So I got to spend some time with my friends Chad, Anita, Joshua (cutest kid EVER), Helen & Hank tonight. They are the best people ever! Chad is one of my oldest and dearest friends, Anita is his amazing wife, Joshua is there aspiring mountain climber... Well, okay, COUCH climber, but its a mountain from his point of view. And Hank & Helen are Chad's parents. These folks are some of the best people in the world. Chad and I can sit in a room and laugh over the word Hoopack or giggle at the concept if diiiiiiiapeeeers for hours... I think Anita thinks were crazy. We all just had a great time tonight. We talked about life, being Geeks in high school, my new job (THANKS HANK YOU EAGLE EYE YOU! - Hank saw the signs go up there, and he told me about this job, I think I owe him a dinner out or something), about everything. Helen's bird Joey even got in on the act. It was nice to talk to all of them. They are so amazing.

There is something about being with old, dear friends. When I'm with these guys, everything just seems better, smaller even. And they are so helpful even when they don't say a word. We sit, and laugh, and tell stories, and reminisce.

...We can just be...

Their friendship means everything to me.

The new job, & the dead car

When it rains it pours, and do I need an umbrella!

Well I started work today... 7am *blink* till 2:30pm. First I'd like to say, as a non morning person 7am seems really daunting, but because of everything I have been getting up at 5am anyways, so 6am wake up call was a bonus.

What an amazing place West is! There is great room for advancement, and promotion, and good benefits, and incentives, and it looks like its FUN! Not to mention their idea of tuff customer support is NOTHING!! They should try being a Paradon Service Writer! The break room is amazing, the people are cool, and its only been open 3 months. I lucked into round 2 hiring, so I'm GROUND FLOOR... I can only go up! If I can keep my spelling in check, I'm going to be so set there!

I took my car to the mechanic today to have it checked out. There is a grocery list of things gone wrong... but its not as bad as I thought... But its still pretty bad. For $800 what can you expect though. I knew I would have to put some $$ into it, just not as much as I will have to.

Of course, on the way back, the car died completely. After the $40 checkup. But I walked back to the garage (got a lift part way from some nice people), and they sent my mechanic with me and we got it started. And its a MYSTERY why it died. But its going now. We put in some gas from a Jerry can, so that might of been it (apparently its empty at 1/4 tank) but he had to use a spark plug tester to get the car to turn over, so we are not sure. I just hope its not to expensive.

So I gave my couch to The X... I love my couch. I will miss my couch... but I cant have my couch.

I have had that couch since I was 16. But the idea of taking a couch that I once considered OURS, I cant do it. I just cant. I will miss it. But What can I do...

So now, without further ado...

I give you:

My Couch!!





I will miss you old friend.

Anyways, Im going to go now and pay rent, then go see my friend Chad, I'm really happy I'm gonna get to see my friend!


---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
Carry with you the idea of peace. And peace will become a part of all you do. Carry with you the idea of abundance. And as you go through each moment, you'll realize and experience the immense abundance that is there for you to live.
Carry with you the idea of giving. The gifts you give will enrich the world around you, and you as well. Carry with you the idea of gratitude and thankfulness for all that is. And in all you encounter you'll find true treasures for which you can be sincerely thankful.

Carry with you the idea of love. And grace will reach into all your moments. Carry with you the idea of a life that's filled with meaning and purpose. And know how precious and wonderful it is to live.

-- Ralph Marston

I have the best friends!

Through this tragedy in my life, I have found my friends rallying to my side. Its amazing.

I went out with my friends Sean & Diane tonight. We walked and talked. It did me a world of good. They think I'm nuts (well they are sure of it now - right guys), but they are still amazing.

My friend Mike, we are going through some very similar situations, and have leaned on each other tons. He has been so helpful, and I hope I have helped him the same way he has helped me.

Keleigh, that crazy girl who has lived my exact same life just 10 years in the future... What a rock. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

Chad... His wisdom has always been inspirational, and now is no different.

Helen & Hank.. Same thing... wise. And no one can make me laugh quite like the great "Spear Chucker"

Ken, and Paul These guys rock. If I ever needed a hired gun, I know where to go (just kidding). But its nice to be looked out for you know.

MJ & Kim. an inspirational couple.

Jenn (aka Fred) Still coming up with the best words of wisdom: even if you're life has been turned upside down by a man, men tend to suck (even the good ones sometimes) but friends are forever

Julie... Little miss "I'm going to take off to St John's and not tell me..." I'm so lucky I got in touch with her. Such a great friend.

The Shrink aka Josh... How do you put up with me?

TCC!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! You guys ROCK! The best friends a girl never had!! (one day, we will all have to meet!) I love the Core.

All the Monkeys at WWDN too... you all rock.

I have the greatest friends. Whether coincidence or not... we have all seemed to gotten in touch, and they all rallied around me...

I'm so lucky!

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR BEING THERE FOR ME!!

It means the world to me, to be surrounded by friends.

I know no matter what, Ill be ok, because I have you.

And my family... God bless them. From my mother, to brother to god parents. I love you all.

Thank you all for being here for me at the start of this journey... During this trying time.

I love you all!

I am Jack's new clothes

Apparently my inner Tyler Durden yearns to buy clothes. I went shopping today. Indebting myself more, but new life, new clothes... Makes sense to me. If it was red and black, I bought it. From Jeans to Trinity's trench coat

I bought almost every red and black article they had. The rush was insane (mental note, don't get hooked on the rush), but DAMN I got some HOT clothes.

I'm Sexy I tell you!

I'm now positive I will be turning heads at my new job tomorrow.

Must start to live again.

Yesterday, as you may have noted, I had a pretty rough day. I went and visited the X again. It took allot out of me. Combine that with the realization that I'm loosing my cats as well because I cant find a place that will allow me to keep the cats, I was in rough shape.

But, I'm lucky.

I have great friends and family.

Both in real life, or those who you only know by expressions of text through a screen.

I'm lucky.

Not everyone has that luxury. But I do, and I'm grateful.

Tomorrow is looming over my head. Fear, and Dread are sneaking in to try and mock me. Seeing the new place, new job and new life becoming reality. My life is moving on. It's terrifying, but in the very same breath, its exciting.

I see a new horizon, and onward I must go. Head held high. In a month, I will be sitting in my new place, probably going over everything I learned in that days training at work, eating food I cooked in my own kitchen with a towel around my head from the swim I just had. I will smile. For a new beginning will have begun, and life has started. Everything happens for a reason, even if we are not fortunate enough to know why at the time.

I will begin again.

I will survive.

I will Chase the Sun

I am free.

For the first time in years, I am able to be me.

I can return to the dreamer.

I can once again dream: For me.

I have a long way to go. It will be a long time before I will be healed, but I can see that it doesn't matter. My soul is free. I can feel myself returning to the dreamer of yesterday. And I will be a long journey, and it will be hard. But for the first time in my life, I will embrace the hard road. I will be Jack's Second Chance at life.

I can do ANYTHING.

I can BE anything.

There is a tomorrow, and its mine because:

It's in my soul

A long time ago, this song was my mantra. It was me. It expressed my freedom, my joy of life, my spirit, my soul. Everyone knew it was mine. I would drive down the road and listen to it loud, I would sing: loudly, and profess "It's in my soul". Over the last 6 years, that was stifled, buried, there was an attempted murder on my sprit, my soul. But it has risen from the ashes. And I listen to this song, and smile. For there are great memories here. There is today's hope here. And a dream for tomorrow lives here. This song, is my song. It is part of the soundtrack of my life... A sound track that was turned off to long ago.

But now...

With the new courage I am trying to embody, I believe I can take the hard road, I can do anything, because..

It's in my soul.

I would like to share the song with you.

From Corey Hart's CD: young man running (and a few of his compilations discs) The song is called In Your Soul.

In Your Soul
Corey Hart

Ever since I was a little kid
I have always thought
I could run faster than the wind
Stare up to the sky with open spaces
I could live and die
Man you can't find that in no book
You never find that in no book
Someone will drag you down
And try to knock you under
Hey mama said with her words of wonder
Don't matter cause, cause it's in your soul
(I have always felt
That I had to prove it to myself)
No salvation from the firin' line
(A million dreams won't set you free)
God I know there's something trapped in me
There's no refuge from the ride
No shelter ever saved a man his pride
(Give you pain and never feed you hunger
I won't close my eyes when it rain and thunders)
Don't matter cause, cause it's in your soul
(And when the night is overcome
And I've been racin' down a road
That's got no trace, no face
If I could live by the words I've sung
And carry all the choices I've made)
I swear, I swear I'll be there
'O no no, na na
Hey mister don't shadow box with me
'Cause I don't wanna someday be
An old man cursin' what I might have been
Now I realize what I see
That the wind was never chasin' me
And I don't feel so alone
I can close my eyes I'm goin' home
(Behind the clouds the sun is shinin'
Some rain will fall no use in cryin')
'O no
'O no not me
(Got a picture in my head that won't let go of)
Young man running in search of
Count your blessings
'Cause it's in your soul
'O it's in your soul
[Soul]
In your soul
'O no
[In your soul]
Ever since I was a little kid
I have always thought
[Ah he always thought]
Young man running
[Always thought]
Keep on running - and a running - and a running
Keep on running
[Ah].

A saucy new doo

I got a new hair doo! It's very sassy! When its straightened (I have naturally curly hair) it looks like Jennifer Aniston's!



I'm going blond on Thursday too.

The straight hair in this hairstyle suits me. Unfortunately, it took an hour and a half to straighten my hair, so it will be curly, but that's ok to. I will have a picture soon as they get developed (my digi cam is still at my old place).

YAY! It's exciting.


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

At this moment: Billy Vera & The Beaters

What did you think,
I would do at this moment,
When you're standing before me,
With tears in your eyes..
Tryin to tell me that you,
Found you another..
And you just don't love me, No more..

What did you think,
I would say at this moment,
When I'm faced with the knowledge,
That you just don't love me..
Did you think I would curse you,
Or say things to hurt you,
Cause you just don't love me no more..

Did you think I could hate you,
Or raise my hands to you,
Now come on you know me too well..
How could I hurt you,
When darling I love you,
And you know, I'd never hurt you..

What do you think,
I would give at this moment,
If you stay I'd subtract twenty (6) years from my life..
I'd fall down on my knees,
Kiss the ground that you walk on,
If I could just hold you again..

I'd fall down on my knees,
Kiss the ground that you walk on baby,
If I could just hold you..
If I, Could just, Hold you..
If I....If I could just hold you.
Again.


Worst Day Ever.


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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
Gibran, Kahlil

I belong to the ocean...

...And it belongs to me. I really need to figure out what that means! Ever since I was little, I have been drawn to the ocean. At the age of four, my parents moves us off the farm in Fort Langley to our own private island: Dayman Island! It was there that I learned my love for the ocean. It took all the effort my parents had to keep my out of the water before April... I didn't care if it was cold or not. I just wanted to snorkel! I needed to be in the water. I learned all I could about Aquacuture which was the family business (we farmed various shellfish like clams and oysters), and fished and crabbed as often as I could. I loved the water. I needed the ocean. When we moved away from there (the education opportunities there were not as good as one would hope, so we moved away because my parents wanted the best education for me and my brother Stuart) I was heart broken. But we moved close to the beach in Sidney BC. Pat Bay Beach (Patricia Bay actually)



There I swam every summer. For hours. I lost days there. Years even. Then, I turned 16. And as we all do when were young, I wanted to hang with friends drive around and be silly. Ignoring the future and past. And I did. I played Saxophone in the band, (4 of them actually) and glided through high school. I worked the system and glided through. I was to smart for my own good. I played the system for what it was worth, and did the least I had to to graduate and get a 4.0 GPA. And it was easy. I was lazy. While I did this, I took biology. Somewhere in my heart I was screaming THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. I ignored it. It was easier that way. While in Biology, when we reached the marine biology part of it, I corrected the text book. Every day, I corrected the teacher, and proved I was correct. I designed a cold water aquarium capable of sustaining a Spiny Dogfish (because I am a HUGE shark fanatic), and lead a couple classes and a beach field trip... Why, I had the knowledge.

But that was easy.

And still I ignored the ocean.

I abandoned the idea of being a marine biologist because it was hard, and with my bad eyesight at the time (-10/-11), I couldn't do to much practical research with sharks (or whatever) anyway. I decided to go music, then computers. I became a PC tech. Because it was easy. I coasted through all the classes, acing them all, because I already knew it.

It was all easy.

Then I got laser surgery on my eyes. I was 20/20. But still, I ignored the ocean.

Then in 1997 my life changed. My first major life change (I'm on my second right now). In January 1997, my dad passes away after a 14+ year struggle with Multiple Myeloma. And I was broken. The last few months I got to spend with my dad, did not go how I wished. I was young and stupid, and it wasn't easy...

I wanted easy.

I will never forgive myself.

I wasted precious time

After he passed away, the family business... his business: which he build from scratch: Empire Used Auto Parts had to be run, so I uprooted and moved (he commuted) and ran the business until my mom could sell it.

Then I heard the call,

After the sale I decided to get my PADI instructors course form the only Canadian CDC. I became a SCUBA diver. I got my dive master ticket, but needed to wait before I could take my instructors course. So I came back to Victoria... And got lazy.

Some things are so easy.

I got a job working at a computer company. Got a place of my own, and built a great life. I met the man of my dreams (my X) and started to build my life with him. And I forgot the ocean. I would go walk to it, but it was easier to be in a rut.

It's all so easy.

But the oceans pull is so strong.

Now, that I'm on my own. I am going back to that beach at Pat Bay. I'm swimming, spending hours looking, thinking enjoying the sights and smells. I belong there. The ocean calls to me.

Tonight I swam for hours. I watched 5 harbour seals swim, sometimes coming as close as 5 feet away.

I listened.

I took in the gory of the sun as it started to lower in the sky.

I heard the oceans call.

I belong to the ocean.

It belongs to me.

I really need to figure out what that means (feel free to post in the forum [in links] if you know). I need to know what I'm meant to do & be. And I must be it.

Easy is no more.

Laziness has no place in me.

Guide me to the ocean, and I will know the way.

I need to know what all this means.

What a bizarre day!

I woke up today, feeling pretty crumby, as I have every morning since my life took this strange turn for the worst. I'm used to it at this point. Mornings are the worst it seems. My sleeping brain, and my awake brain haven't decided to talk in a while, and unfortunately for me, that leaves me with dreams of "my old life" and waking moments that forget the last 3 weeks have even happened. I can't wait until this stops.

Mornings are the worst.

But I was excited at the same time... My friend Diane , and her man Sean and I were going to go to the beach and BBQ, and hang out and stuff. But, that couldn't happen. They had tons of stuff that had to get done, and no time to do it. That's ok though, more time to mess around with my blog (how's it looking?)!

So I spent the day chatting on forums, IM, and reading about blogs and blog moding: trying to figure out how to make my mark in the bloging world... Or at least how to make it so I like it when I reflect on this journey I have started.

I cant believe I start my new job on Monday! Gosh, I lucked into that one, and with perfect timing... God must be looking after me, even though I don't see his wisdom right now. I'm terrified to start a new job, and new life, especially without my best friend (X); but, I don't have a choice, so on I go.

I have been having a tuff time finding a place to live. Seems ether the places are TERRIBLE, wont take pets (cause I want to get my kitties [See Pic]), or are WAY out of my price range! As it is, I can get an 1 bedroom apartment, up to $600 (which is probably what I will end up paying) but that leaves me $0 to do anything else (and I'm living on KD). So, I might have to move back to my old apartment building. Which is ok too, because it puts me close to all my friends, and right in town (if that's good or not I don't know at this point).

I just need to get my own place, and start life again. I need to do it soon, or I'm going to get stuck in this funk, and that's NO good! I need to get moving before this sadness consumes me completely.

Anyway, here is a picture of my kitties; the reason I'm having a hard time finding a place to live: Aren't they cute!




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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

Thanks to papa smurf for that great thought!

Hi, and welcome to my castle (blog).

My life took a strange turn a couple weeks ago, and I have to start my life anew, so I figured I would start a blog as I start my new life. This is a place for me to express my feelings, creativity, and zaniness... More over, it's a place I can look and reflect on my life, but I will share it with the world as well, because I can.

As I mentioned, my life took a turn for the worst a few weeks ago. My husband (we were commlaw married) of 6 years decided he wanted to separate, I was thrust out into the world, penniless, jobless, to start my life over again. At 29, I cant say this was something I was looking forward to... Or even expecting. We were making wedding and life plans just a couple days before, this separation came as quite a shock to me. But, what must be, must be. It seems he had fallen out of love with me, and needed to explore life alone, unfortunately for me, I'm still desperately in love with him, but life goes on.

So now, I'm looking for a place to live, (I'm couch surfing right now - THANK YOU TO MY MOM!! Still willing to take me in and rescue me even at 29!) get a job, and trying to get my life started again, while trying to come to grips with the loss of the love of my life.

I managed to get a job at West as an agent. The hours aren't great, but its work. Now I have to find a place to live too. Then I can move out all my stuff, and get my cats, and start over.

My X and I are going to try and remain friends, but I hope that can be done: Seems 2 days after he gave me the boot, he had already moved on with his life, and had a new girl he was interested in, and was buying new clothes, and things for the apartment, as well as doing all the things he had planed for us to do, only, he was doing it with someone else. I'm happy he's happy, and I want to remain friends, I'm just not sure my heart can handle that.

So here I sit, new job starting Monday, new life on the horizon, scared, but ready for anything. This is my story, my life, my journey. I hope its a good one.

Thank you to all the great blogs I've read that gave me this idea (WWDN especially), I hope to make this blog something special, even though right now, its to help me heal... later on, in time, it will be so much more.

Here is a picture of me and my X. It's a photoshop he did not long before he decided we were over. I want to share it. It is my old life, my past of not log ago, and today, I begin again. Ready or not... Here I come!


Picture Removed at the request of the X

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INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
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What do you want from life? Write it down, Think about it, Discover what you truly want!

What do I want from life?
*Happiness
*To Love & Be Loved
*Inner Peace
*The Ocean (I've always been drawn to the ocean... and I don't know what that means, but I need to find out)
*Fitness
*Husband
*Children
*House/Home
*Pets
*Comfort (not to be "rich" but not living day to day, cherub to cherub)

Thank you to Matthew Kelly's Book "The Rhythm of Life" for this Inspiration.