Cinderella's Blog is a strange look into the mind of a girl geek!
Subscribe to
Posts [Atom]
I have been writing little tidbits here and there, trying to find my voice, but I can't seem to find it. I have the starting of a story about pirates, a lore story form a Dark Elf ShadowKnights point of view, and this blog. But I cant seem to find the voice I know I have in me. Maybe a Vampire story. Maybe a tourist guide. I don't know.
What is my voice?
I need to find my gift. Why I am here. What my purpose is. What is my gift? What have I been put here to do? I don't know. I think this is part of my self discovery that I am going though. My life has no foundation. It has no direction.
What you become is infinitely more important than what you do and what you have.
What will it take today for me to become the better person I know I can be?
((Thanks Matthew Kelly for those quotes))
What is my goal?
How do I get "from point A to point B"?
The problem with these questions, I don't know where to start to find the answers.
I do not know how to begin this journey..
I suppose I have already started. In my X throwing me out, he forced me to go out and start this journey. To start to find out who the better person is inside me. I need to learn who I am.
But I can't do that sitting at home. I need to get back to work, because I'm going nuts!
I'm so lonely.
Sad huh.
Most of my friends, have families, have busy lives, and otherwise little time for a smuck like me. Which is cool, I've been there. I've had the husband, the life, the lack of time. Of course all my friends who are not in that situation are the X's friends. So, I'm alone a lot. Which, isn't horrible, but its not great ether.
I need to find a way to get some money to join a club. Maybe a marine club, or photography class, or a writing class.
It's so stupid. I'm just a week away from being golden, and the car crash happens.
What do I mean by golden?
benefits, money in a savings account in case of emergency.
Being prepared.
I just don't know what to do.
My thoughts are scattered again, I'm tired because I cant got out.
I'm lonely.
It's just so stupid.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"He conquers who endures."
-Persius
I don't know which is worse. The pain, or the ultimate boredom of being stuck at home. I cant type on the computer for long periods (although I can type now), so I cant game, or anything. My days are spent watching TV & movies. Don't get me wrong, I've seen some great flicks, and funny TV... But now I'm tired all the time because I'm doing nothing.
I need to get back to work.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye."
-Anon.
Again I apologize for all the typos and grammatical errors that you're reading the last few posts. The dictation software is still learning my voice, the timbre of my voice, and my of course, regional dialect. It is going to take some time for it to get a little bit more accurate and until then. There are a few typos and hurts too much to fix them. So please bare with me
I appreciate your patience while I work all this out, but is kind of fun!
It's amazing what a lot of painkillers can do. I'm sitting here right now, in only a mild amount of pain, but under the influence of many many many painkillers. I can't game; not EQ, not Jedi Academy, not NHL 2004. I can't type; not e-mail's not Word documents not Blog's. All I can do is watch movies, watch TV, read books. If it wasn't for this to dictation software, I would probably be going out of my mind. But I do have the dictation software so, at least I can keep logging and writing and that at least it's something.
I can't say I had the best sleep last night. I was in a lot of pain, if it wasn't the shoulders and neck it was my back if it wasn't my back it was my shoulders and neck. I was constantly compensating for the pain that was experiencing. I did get some sleep, but it wasn't any quality. Then again, I can't really complain because again less than inch and it would have been much, much worse!
I think of his starts on my short stories today, and had a few ideas in my head that sort of scratched out the groundwork for work. Hopefully it might be OK as long as the dictation software holds up. Actually, I don't know what I'd do without it.
I'm thinking about starting a separate Blog to keep all my stories. Of course, I will share them here. I don't know yet, I might just in private.
At really miss work in all my friends at work, and having my daily dose of silly people I wonder if they feel the same.
One thing that is good is I'd been given some time to think. Since the breakup of me and the X, I haven't had a lot of time to think; nothing quality anyway. I expect my thoughts and feelings will make for interesting Blog, who knows all I know as I have a lot of fun to Blogging and it is amazing therapy!
So expect some poignant discussions were I'd guess not really discussions more poignant thoughts about my life, where I am, where I'm going. What I meant to be; because whatever it is I meant to be. I'm not there yet. I'm sure that, because by less than inch I'm here to talk about it.
Then again excuse the typos. I'm not able to type, I'm just speaking, what I'm thinking, which is kind of fun too.
Maybe I will do some e-mails as well, that might be kind of fun. I can catch up on all my correspondences.
Anyway, that's enough Babbling for now, I'm sure I will be back later, what else do I have to do.
Good Lord, I'm bored!
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'"
-Sydney Harris
I sit here today Blogging not by typing, but by dictation software. It seems my sore back neck and shoulders has turned out to be a rather painful back neck and shoulders. Apparently getting hit from behind while driving down the highway and 80 kph can actually do a fair bit of soft tissue damage. I tried to work yesterday. In fact, I did worked a full eight hour shift but at the end of my shift. I was barely able to move my arms, although I did hide that from everyone else the fact that my back was that bad.
I went to the doctor today, and he suggested strongly to the point in insisting that I take two to four weeks minimum off work. And only then come back to do in light half days, if available, I went into the work today to get the medical leave of absence forms filled them out at my doctor fill out what was necessary, and fax them back. Hopefully, I'll have the job to come back to.
I love my job.
This is the first real job, I had that I can get up in the morning excited to go to work! I work with the most amazing people. Everyone is so friendly and happy and there for you. The people are always laughing, be it to staff were your coworkers. Everyone there seems happy to be there. I know I am. The job makes me laugh. It may not be the most challenging work. But there's always something to leave you smiling, whether it's a coworker or silly customer you are always smiling or least I am. It's a great starting spot.
ICBC, of course, is kicking up a Fuss seems they don't want to pay out my wages or at least they're not being very forthcoming. But because the accident was not my fault, they're going to have to come up with the very least, if I have to eye can take a week off, because that week will come out of that what I considered my bonus check. Just basically, an extra check that comes in October, because of the way the pay schedule works out.
So excuse any typos, and the postdated posting. But this dictation software is actually pretty decent. I have to admit I'm pleasantly surprised and the best part is No Spelling Mistakes! Hopefully, I'll get this thing trained the way I wanted so there's very little editing, actually it's about 90% accurate right now so. I'm thinking there's not much work left to go.
The great news is, I got a parcel in the mail today. [Actually yesterday, because I'm posting dating this] it was a parcel from Matthew Kelly [the author of the book, and the audiotape listed on the right under read that, and listen to that] Matthew has sent me a copy of his book, Rhythm of life, signed [the one on the right] a copy of mustard seeds. A copy of his live audiotapes [the one on the right], and a copy of his audiotape. Train. He also sent a card, in it he basically said that he was friends with my brother, and that my brother asked him to send me these. How amazing is that! So now these books I've been recommending to all my friends, I actually have a signed copy of. Very cool! I can't believe this 29-year-old man is so wise in his words. [You should read these books] and I'm so glad that my brother has an amazing friend like Matthew, and that Matthew has amazing friend like my brother. I will have to thank both of them. I will treasure this forever! If you haven't read these yet, you really should! Besides my Blog, Matthew Kelly's books and tapes have been the one thing that is helping move forward. For that I'm grateful!
So Matthew, thank you. Your gift was very generous, and an inspiration to me. Your books are an inspiration. You words, constantly uplifting. You have allowed me to move on, where I feared I could not.
Thank you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Time is the fire in which we burn."
-Gene Roddenberry
So it's back to the grind again. I hope my neck/shoulders can hold up to it. I wonder if I should get a PDA to keep all my thoughts, and notes in while I work. I mean, why not. I could type it all out, and its there to upload when I get home. Much more efficient than a notepad, I mean, who can read my handwriting anyway. This way I can make blog notes, writing notes, budget and phone books, all in one deceive. Something for me to chew on for sure. Not that I can afford anything like that in the near future anyway.
I am interested on how work will go, I have to admit, I'm still a little out there from the accident. My soreness is very much effecting my typing, which of course won't be good for my stats. Not to mention my shoulders and neck, and back. Shesh!
But I'm still here...
Why was I able to walk away by an inch, when an accident like that usually kills people?
Whatever it is I have to do in life, I haven't don it yet.
I still have work to do, whatever that may be.
I have thought a lot over the last few days, reflected on my life, and what I have or have not done. There is still time to fix things, to make my life the way I want it to be.
There is nothing short of dumb luck or divine intervention that kept me out of to much harms way the other night, and I tend to think of the later. God has work for me yet to do, I have not done what it is I need to do, and I need to do it.
My brother asked me to go to a church and ponder these questions, and I intend to as soon as I'm not sore all the time. I'm not a church girl, I'm a spiritual one. I believe in a divine power, but I believe that I can believe that in my own way, without the need to go to church. Maybe I'm wrong? But I promised him, so I will, although, I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Matthew Kelly writes in "The rhythm of Life" that we have needs:
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
Spiritual
I know I have been neglecting these needs, and I am trying to work on that, but maybe I neglected them more than I know. Maybe my brothers right. We will see.
I need to understand what all this means. I need to find out WHO I AM.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."
-Confucius
So I am in a lot of pain. Seems spinning down the highway at 80km can hurt just a little bit. Hopefully a little tylonal and massage can fix this, because I can not afford to miss work. I intend to go to bed early, and although I wont sleep, I will pop in a movie and relax.
I am so lucky to be here. I really don't know how I managed to get off so light from this accident. It's not light by any means, but, compared to what it could have been, I feel terribly lucky.
I have a lot I want to write right now, but I am to sore to put it into words, and that actually upsets me. I have so much to say, I had a list of notes from Sunday that I wanted to write about before the accident, and I have even more now. I just wish It didn't hurt to sit at my computer.
My hand it quite sore to, and that worries me, because I don't know why, although I can't see how it would be related: but my right hand is killing me (especially my thumb).
I just hope tomorrow brings relief, and happiness.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"One should never criticize his own work except in a fresh and hopeful mood. The self-criticism of a tired mind is suicide."
-Charles Horton Cooley, Life and the Student
How could they improve NHL Hockey over last year? I say that phrase every year, and every year I am amazed because they do. This year is no exception. NHL 2004 has come out of the gate swinging. I can't believe how good it is.
I got rear ended on the way home from work today. It was the kind of car accident that could have been unbelievably tragic, and that left the police going "Wow, are you lucky."
I was driving down the straight away on the highway towards home, when a huge truck (especially when compared to my wee car) came speeding up behind me and rear ended me. He was (as the cops surmise) coming up to pass me, but had not judged my speed, and hit me as he passed in the left rear bumper lights. I of course being the non speeding wee car, was spun at 80KM per hour around the highway towards the median.
Had I hit the median... I would not be typing this.
I missed the median, and though some amazing driving (or act of god) I was facing the wrong way, but I did miss it... By less then an inch.
Because of that inch, I walked away.
One inch.
Or course the gentlemen who hit me, denied any wrong doings... But the skid marks, damage on my car, and witnesses (who said he was speeding like a bat out of hell) made the cops issue him a "driving with undo care and attention" ticket and (they let me see the blanked out area on the report) which said Driver A (me) was driving straight on a straight stretch of highway when driver b (THE BIG TRUCK) hit her from behind.
The cops were amazed I got to walk away.
They were amazed by the inch.
God was watching over me tonight, because I'm here to write about it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him."
-Voltaire
I just got back from lunch with Helen & my mom. We went for sushi and then we came back here and chatted for a while over coffee. I was very excited getting to show Helen my place, the furniture, just spending time with friends. It is a wonderful thing.
I love spending time with my friends. It gives me hope, it gives me passion, it makes me smile.
I am grateful for all my friends: In real Life, Online, or otherwise.
I love you all!
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good."
-Vaclav Havel
I'm listening to "Matthew Kelly's Live" (linked under listen) and I'm feeling a lot better.
I will make it happen.
I will reach my goals.
I will achieve my dreams.
I will!
Matthew Kelly is an amazing inspiration.
Time to re-read his book.
I will reach my goals.
I will achieve my dreams.
If you need inspiration READ MATTHEW KELLY!
I have been neglecting my inbox lately, I think I need to go through and write everyone. If you have been waiting for a letter from me, I apologize.
I'm doing a little better today emotionally... Might have something to do with the fact I haven't taken any pain killers yet.
I need to shift back to my positive gear... My mind being foggy knocked me back a few steps... Making me see the negatives as opposed to the positives. I got to fix that.
With the meds fogging my noggin, things that my mind had been shoving aside and brining to the front one by one as I could deal with them so I could move on and become who ever I'm becoming came SCREAMING to the forefront going "HEY! LISTEN TO ME!!".
My budget is a bleak one. If I only spend $100 a month on food (CAN) then I can have $20 in my pocket at the end of the month.
As for student loan... No way.. I just a few months ago (maybe a year) dug out of that. I'm not going to do it again. As much as I would love to go to university and do marine biology, I cant see past the $$$.
BUT, it will be ok.
opportunity's will come.
I will be good
Mental note: Do not take these pills while in a bad state.... At least not when 1 trigger (the X's X) can tip you over.
Can someone tell me that? I have a hard time making ends meet and having $20 in my pocket at the end of the month, much less saving up for my classes I want to take, and the trips I want to go on, and do the things I want to do. How can I possible move forward when I'm struggling to live?
This is a very VERY deflating thought.
Not to mention the thoughts that go through my head on a regular basis that deal with the whole break up.
I just don't know what to do.
I talked with the X's X today... One of those polite ok, why are we talking right now conversations. And I have to tell you, it made me feel awful. There is just nothing good that can come from even pretending for work that we can tolerate each other... Not to mention her subtle statements used to make me crazy and jealous, and make me realize how much I still love that guy. Damnit I do still love him. It's slowing down to a dull roar, but it's still there. And it hurts. So I spent the whole day at work in physical pain (my back) emotional pain (the X) and psychological pain (the X's X mind games).
I thought maybe if I think of my goals again, look at my list of what I want from life again, I can cheer up and think of what's coming....
Then I did the math.
How in gods name can I do and get and be all these things, when I can't even afford the gas to go downtown? Or to go out to McDonalds? Or have a beer with friends?
HOW!?!
I can't even see how I can dig my self out of my current debt much less take a trip.
I'm so fed up with not having money.
It takes money to better ones self...
I can say it does not, but it does.
I cant even join a simple club because I cant afford the gas to go to this club.
And if I could, what would I do, join the photography club? Great with what camera?
Ok, well go to Disneyland and enjoy?
What cash? Even on the bus and hostels its about $250 BEFORE food and admission.
Education, I can't afford that now.
Heck I can't even afford the call display phone I need.
I cant get a better job because there are none here!
I cant go to the cryopractor because it cost money and my benefits haven't kicked in yet.
I cant just take off and figure stuff out because I cant afford to walk across the street and buy a damn happy meal.
How can I make this happen? How can I avoid the pain in my heart and move upwards to the better things I want and can see.
How?
I can't see it. And within all this emotional turmoil, there is the loss of the man I love. And all the thoughts that go with that.
Maybe its just my pain killers turning off my brain... The brain that has been leading me though the fray to get to the other side without falling down. Maybe the fog as lifted and things really are this bleak. Who will ever love a fuckup like me? Every choice I have made in my life has been the wrong one. Is it to late now to fix it? Maybe. And if I cant keep the one person who loved me in love with me, and with me... Why or how could I keep anyone else. How can I trust again. It just wont happen. I will die alone, in debt, forgotten.
And yet...
I know there must be more than this. There has to be. Life is a gift. And I must embrace it, but how. How can I be and do what is right for me without the cash to support it? And how can I get the cash without being and doing what is right for me. It's an endless cycle.
I'm so very afraid.
And then there is the X... How the hell can I be friends with him. I'm so hurt by him... I mean how can I not be, this could have been the perfect breakup in the world and I still would be... Why? Because I love him. And I get so freaking jealous over things, and I have no right, and that makes it hurt all the more. Who will love me? Who will ever love me? I have made a mess out of everything I have ever wanted to do with my life. I have blown all my goals, and aspirations. Now what.
Do I just wait to die?
Where do I go from here?
Buffy The Vampire Slayer Cast - Where Do We Go From Here
From the album "Buffy Musical"
DAWN
Where do we go from here?
BUFFY AND SPIKE
Where do we go from here?
GILES
The battle's done and we kind of won
GILES AND TARA
So we sound our victory cheer
Where do we go from here?
ANYA AND XANDER
Why is the path unclear
When we know hope is near?
ANYA, BUFFY, DAWN, GILES, SPIKE, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
GILES
Tell me!
ANYA, BUFFY, DAWN, GILES, SPIKE, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
Where do we go from here?
When does the end appear?
SPIKE (spoken)
Bugger this.
ANYA, BUFFY, DAWN, GILES, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
When do the trumpets cheer?
(Not on song file, but it's in the background in the episode:)
ANYA, DAWN, GILES, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
The curtain's closed on a kiss
God knows, you can tell the end is near
Where do we go from here?
(Buffy's and Spike's following verses overlap.)
BUFFY
I touch the fire and it freezes me
I look into it and it's black
The isn't real
But I just want to feel
SPIKE
I died too many years ago
You can make me feel
ANYA, DAWN, GILES, TARA, WILLOW, AND XANDER
Where do we go from here?
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"In this age, which believes that there is a short cut to everything, the greatest lesson to be learned is that the most difficult way is, in the long run, the easiest."
-Henry Miller, The Books in My Life
Seems I did a really good number on my back! It is almost the worst it has ever been (which is saying a lot, since I have had Dr.'s look at my back and go "Jesus, how are you walking"). The only reason it is not worse, is because I have been keeping myself very medicated!
Time for more rest
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"And it will fall out as in a complication of diseases, that by applying a remedy to one sore, you will provoke another; and that which removes the one ill symptom produces others"
-Sir Thomas More
Oh, My, God, OW!
I guess I slept funny last night because I am in the most horrible pain right now. I went to the drug store (after I went to the bank to pay off a hefty bill from days of old) to pick up some of the strong pain killers I had before: Robaxisal. I'm just waiting for it to kick in. It better kick in soon, or they are going to send me home from work, and I can not afford that.
But...
I got the coolest thing today:
A framed shadowbox Monopoly set.
It's gorgeous. And substantially cheaper than getting my Majestic pictures framed (which makes me sad, I don't know what I am going to do with them now).
I really miss Majestic. It was one of the most revolutionary games I have ever seen, and it was so far a head of its time. That has to be my favorite beta testing experience to date.
Oh man, my back is killing me.... I'm actually debating taking the day off work. Except I can't afford to. Of course, if I cant walk, I can't drive, and cant work. Ugh, I hope these drugs kick in soon.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"There is a vast world of work out there in this country, where at least 111 million people are employed in this country alone--many of whom are bored out of their minds. All day long. Not for nothing is their motto TGIF -- 'Thank God It's Friday.' They live for the weekends, when they can go do what they really want to do."
-Richard Nelson Bolles, What Color is Your Parachute?, 1970
I got to spend time with Sean and Diane today. I made burritto's for dinner, and we watched Crocodile Hunter Cillision Course (which of course you excuse the plot of!). I love the Crocodile Hunter, what he does for animal preservation and education is amaizing. He is my hero, what he is doing is amaizing, and everything he does is for the animals. How amaizing is that! Most people think he is just a nutter, but I know it's all passion and enthusisuam! And I'm so glad his charasmia and enthusasium is good on camera, so he can educate people on mass about wildlife and conservation. He is someone everyone should watch!
I really REALLY miss my cats.
I just needed to share!
I love them so much, it's a terrible thing to not have them.
I need to get a dog....
And a place I can get a dog.
I need my cats.
And a place I can get a cat.
I'm need animals!
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."
-Charles Caleb Colton
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
In waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
that frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Thanks to SGSeries for this one!
Why is there never enough time in the day. I can't seem to catch up with all I want to do, and all I have to do. There just is not enough time in the day. But that is ok. I am starting to take pictures etc. To work to decorate my cubicle now that I do not need my million of cheat sheets. I still need to get some shark posters/pictures, and some pictures to motivate me in what I want to achieve in life. I figure if I have to stare at something for 8 hours a day, it should be something that I am trying to achieve in life:
House, vacation spots, trips I want to take, things I want/need. That sort of thing.
Its all about motivation.
It's all about success.
Positive motivation will allow you to achieve positive success.
So if I am allays looking at these things, I will get these things.
For now, I'm just going to put what I have available up... But I will get pictures slowly with things I want:
A university: where I can take writing and photography classes.
A digital camera: to encourage me to get that.
Disneyland: that will be my first vacation trip.
Sharks: so I can motivate myself to dive with them.
A nice house: so I can aspire to a nice plot of land and a home
Pets: because I really want to get some pets.
Good motivation I think. Good to look at for 8 hours.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents."
-Salvador Dali
I got a homey clown!
Yes, you heard me right... I got a homey clown.
Now, before you ask:
A homey clown is just a silly clown figurine the kind you get from the dollar store.
Why?
because I got 100% on my quality report!
That's right! 100% on my quality report... Top marks across the board.
Nothing look better on your report than 100% quality scores.
I guess I can provide good quality service.
Just wanted to share!
Amazon.com: DVD: Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged Me - New Line Platinum Series (1999)
The FUNNIEST Deleted Scenes I have ever seen!
So my VCR ate ANOTHER tape. Shesh. I'm so tired of taking the damn thing apart. But, when your working cheque to cheque, you got to work with what you have. I hope it can last long enough for me to get it replaced.
Ill have to get this at some point: Sony VCR
Well time to get ready for work. There are just not enough hours in the day.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."
-William Jennings Bryan
What a great episode! I'm sad they ruined the intro song, but it was still an excellent episode none the less. I am a little worried about consistency, and there was some things that made it a little silly, but I did find it entertaining.
I am so tired right now. I upped the reps at the gym again today. Now I'm really starting to feel the burn. It is great though. I love going to the gym I feel so good after I'm done. Physically and Mentally, and about myself.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man's foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher."
-Thomas Henry Huxley, Life and Letters of Thomas Huxley
So here I am, watching Austin Powers: International Man of mystery, thinking about my life. About the last 4 years... 6 years... 10 yeas.... 29 years. In my life, I have seen and done a lot of things. I may not have traveled the world, or been to the moon, but I have had some fun.
At a young age, I learned a love and respect for nature, and animals. I have an affinity for animals, be it my pet dogs, or cats, horses, or geese, fish or sharks, I love them all. Spending time with animals is fulfilling, seeing them suffer pains me more than words can express, the sight of one that has passed on brings me to tears. The presence of nature is powerful to me, be it the ocean, a tree, or a moss covered stone. There is such beauty, just outside our urban lives, waiting to be discovered. And I was lucky enough to discover it at a young age. Living on a 24 acre island with just your family doing aquaculture, you learn to appreciate nature, and what nature has to offer.
I have learned the gift of music. To play music, to listen to music, to write music (whether the poetry of the lyrics, or the music itself). I have learned that music is heard with the ears, understood with the heart.
I have learned the love of technology. Computers, DVD's, TV's all technology. I learned how to build, and repair PC's how to play games, and make the PC's play games better.
I have taken my love of nature and the ocean to become a PADI divemaster, where I hope to see the sharks, and where I can be in the ocean, see all the life within and discover an inner peace I have no where else.
I have a love of books, reading. Be it a biography, or a fantasy novel, or an educational book. There is much to be gained from an hour or two a day of reading.
I have reflected upon my life, and realized I set myself aside for a few years. Why? As of yet, I do not know. I let myself go. For 10 years I was lost.... I was not honest with myself. I cut myself off. And once I was in to deep, I was to afraid to look at myself. I was to afraid to face my friends, knowing they would see though. They would see the person I am, and the person trapped inside me, and they would try and help. I wasn't ready for that. Why? I don't know. I lost myself. But I am becoming free. I am becoming me again.
I want to travel. I wish to see the world, and especially Disneyland again.
I want to get a little piece of land, and get some dogs, and cats, and horses.
I want to get a huge library.
I want to have all the high tech toys.
I want to do all this, and more.
For me.
It's neat to be me again.... Except I'm not.
I do not know who I am.
I know who I was.
I know what I want.
But I'm still not sure of who I am becoming.
But...
It will be a fun ride.
I'm glad I have great friends to share it with.
A great Great GREAT friend of the family who passed a way a number of years back had a necklace that had a saying on it I used to try and live by. I forgot about it (not really forgot, just forgot to live by it) for a while, until recently. I would like to share that quote with you:
Live, Love, Laugh.
Words to live by.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The unexamined life is not worth living."
-Socrates
What Finding Nemo Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Again, people who know me, know this is great!
Those who know me, are going to love this:
Congratulations!! You're a shot of some good old
hard liquor!
What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
I would say then hit the money right on the barrel head.
While driving home, Diane and I were talking about friends. I noticed something: I have allot of friends are out of town. To be exact, I have most of my friends are out of town. There are my friends through the years who have moved away... From Africa, to Rome, East Cost Canada, to the USA, to my online friends from all over the world! I have global friendships! From Real life separations, to The Core, to WWDN, to, well everywhere else, the internet has closed the gap. 2003 brings pen pals to common place. Forums are like giant Pen Pal exchanges. Instant Messaging makes simultaneous instant communication for virtually free. Just think as few as 10 years ago, this was almost unheard of! Talking on a local BBS chat board was high tech.
Where will be be in 10 years?
So, to all my friends, RL friends, International friends, E-Friends, ALL MY FRIENDS...
Hi.
I love each and every one of you.
Thank you, for sharing yourself, and being there for me to share myself.
That literally means the world to me!
Is that a bad sign?
I ask because my power supply blew HARD. Like FLAMES man. TOTAL FLAMES! Smoke billowing, burning electronics smell the whole nine!
Got a new Power Supply in, (just got home and popped it in) (a sweet 350W actually, cost $60 CAN, more than the $30 I was expecting, but its a very nice one) and everything seems OK.
I think I got off with just a $60 bill.
Whew!
There are days when I am so glad I'm a girl geek!
So here I am... Sitting at Sean, and Diane's with our friend Mark... Diane playing guitar, all of us chatting.... It's great, it's really great.
Life, is good...
And...
I'm All right
Well it's been a long time glad to see your face
I knew we'd meet again another time another place
Can't believe it's been so many years
You'd better grab a chair and a couple of beers
Lookin' good in you three piece suit
You know, I always knew you'd take the business route
You were always the one to follow the light and you look like you're doing alright
Been singin' for my rent and singin' for my supper
I'm above the below and below the upper
I'm stuck in the middle where money gets tight
But I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well we had a lot of dreams when we were younger
They thought we were crazy but we had the hunger
We kept a lot of friends, skipped a lot of class
Been on top of the world and knocked on our ____
We lost touch, we lost in love
We lost our minds when things got tough, but
Beatin' time is a losin' fight and I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I hate to see this evening end
God only knows when I'll see you again
Just send a fax or send me a letter or give me a call that would even be better
Give the kids a kiss for me and say hello to the family
And tell them all my future's lookin' bright
Well, I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I said I miss 'em but I'm doin' alright
I'm all, I'm all, I'm alright
It's a beautiful day not a cloud in sight so I guess I'm doin' alright
o - oh, o - oh, I'm alright
Got a good old friend here with me tonight and I guess I'm doin' alright
Well I guess I'm doin' alright
I'm doin' alright
I just wanted to share.
Smile, be with friends, have fun.
Be happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
Be Happy
-Me
I got up this morning, and I got to see my friends Crispin and Clara! They came over for brunch! We had had oranges, cantaloupe, pineapple, peaches, cinnamon buns, eggs, and bacon.
It was so much fun! And I was so happy to see them! But, I'm going to pass out, I will write more about this tomorrow...
Ok, so I'm updating this part a couple days later, but I think thats ok. I cant get over how much fun I had with Crispin and Clara. Making brunch, talking, showing off my place. It was great. We sat around and talked about life, and work, and everything. I really like hanging out with them.
I hope maybe in a few weeks I can do brunch at their place.
Good people.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"A man never tells you anything until you contradict him."
-George Bernard Shaw
When I started this blog a few months ago I asked "What do you want from life?" I answered:
What do I want from life?
*Happiness
*To Love & Be Loved
*Inner Peace
*The Ocean (I've always been drawn to the ocean... and I don't know what that means, but I need to find out)
*Fitness
*Husband
*Children
*House/Home
*Pets
*Comfort (not to be "rich" but not living day to day, cherub to cherub)
Thank you to Matthew Kelly's Book "The Rhythm of Life" for this Inspiration.
I think that list still holds true.
I was wondering if my list was a tainted list seen from inside some painful shell I was living in. It seems that my want from life is not different based on my emotional state. Seems it continues to stand true.
So I sit here wondering why I could not see this before?
Or, had I seen it and been to afraid to face it because that path I was on, although, did not lead me there, was easy and clear? Why is it that the easy path does not make us take note that there may be more out there?
Why is it, we as a society cant see more than the footfalls we are walking?
What do we have to be afraid of?
Why are we no more than the sum of our fears?
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"
-John Greenleaf Whittier, "Maud Muller"
Symantec Security Response - W32.Welchia.Worm
This is what got me.
Cleaned now, but what a mess. A quick format gone arry
I just spent from 12am to 2am chasing a worm around my computer. Sometime between when I formated, and when I installed my Anti-Virus Software, it him my machine. Its gone now, but shesh, am I spent!
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."
-Anon.
I decided to format my machine today... I guess I was just bored. I'm in the midst of reinstalling everything, I just hope I backed up everythig ok.
I checked my webcounter stats:
Usage 23.0 (Average Hits per day since creation)
How cool is that!
Thank you for enjoying my journey with me.
Well I have been under a headache for the last 2 days. It is finally receding now. Whether its from the "discussion" My X and I had the other day, or (most likely) the newest greatest bathroom cleaner ever, or both, I'm not sure. I get migraines from bleach and bleach based cleaning products. And I got a new bathroom cleaner the other day, and tried it Tuesday night. Tilex with Teflon. First, WOW, best cleaner ever. But the next morning I had a screamer of a headache, I spent all day Wednesday under a cold compress (until I had to go to work), and all after. Now I'm still suffering, downing caffeine, but at least I can start to function. I might have to take a less excellent cleaner (there is a good Lysol one) and scrub harder, for no headaches.
Anyways, I'm keeping this short so that I'm not looking at a screen to much before work. Maybe after work, it will be gone, and I can post more.
Cold Compress here I come!
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"He who knows others is wise.
He who knows himself is enlightened."
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
So here I sit after wasting a day playing video games. Crazy? No, I actually find it refreshing. It is a way to really get my mind of the rollercoaster my life has become. I'm overwhelmed at my life. I spent the last six years with what I thought was the love of my life. Was it? Apparently not. Apparently I was used for 4 years. How can someone do something like that to someone else? How can you say you love someone in one instant, but keep them captive the next? How, when one side was fighting, can you not care? How can you lead them on?
I feel so used.
I read his blog, and he talks about this new girl, like he used to talk about me... But, I think maybe he never really cared for me. I never really mattered. I was just a way for him to escape the life he was in. He talks like he was worthless for the last 4 years. How insulting is that? How can he say things like that?
And yet still he keeps me around.
And yet still I let him.
He has me around to "entertain him" when he's bored. Whether that's email, or ICQ, or whatever. I'm there just as a last ditch option, when everyone else has something better to do.
I really wonder if I ever meant anything to him.
The answer is probably no.
I was convenient, I was there, and I let it happen.
The worst part for me is the loss of Pets, and Extended family.
Loosing his family hurts like hell. Loosing all my pets hurts like hell.
Knowing I was used for 4 - 6 fucking years, kills me.
EDITED BECAUSE PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE WHEN THINGS ARE NOT ABOUT THEM.
But ultimatly, what makes me madest, what is the hardest to take, and the most painful to wake up to:
It was my choice.
I chose to be there.
I chose to stay.
I brought him in.
I stuck around.
It was not his fault I did not see the signs.
I chose to do nothing.
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision."
-Gary Collins
I am exausted. I got to watch the Two Towers today, man that is a FANTSTIC movie. If you have not seen any of the Lord of the Rings Movies yet, I recommend you do!
---------------------------------------------------------------
INSPIRATIONAL THOUGHT OF THE DAY
---------------------------------------------------------------
"Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks."
-Laura Swenson
